Humor
Picture Menu
Dave and Wendy Sharfman were on their first trip to Israel and stopped into Udi’s Excellent Falafel House for lunch. The Sharfmans were reading the menu over the counter and then noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".
Dave thought that this was interesting so he asked Udi what it was.
“It’s for customers, maybe who have eye problems and they can’t read the menu.
“So how would your customers know this picture menu was available if they can’t read?” Dave asked.
"Well,” responded Udi, “It says so on the sign, doesn't it?"
Reasonable Doubt
Jack Feinstein was a top defense attorney known for coming up with creative defenses for his clients. But on this day, Feinstein had an uphill battle. His client was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. So In his closing statement, knowing that his client would probably get convicted, Feinstein came up with a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," Feinstein said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally Feinstein said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired Feinstein. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."
Golf
Rabbi Goldstein and two of his congregants. Dr. Jacobson and Mr. Rosenberg, went out one morning to play a round of golf.
Unfortunately, the three men were waiting for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Mr. Rosenberg: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor Jacobson: I don't know, but I've never seen such terrible golfers!
Rabbi Goldstein: Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. (To the groundskeeper) Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Rabbi Goldstein: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor Jacobson: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Speeding
A Jew gets pulled over for speeding...
Jew: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Jew: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Jew: I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Jew: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Jew: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Jew: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Jew: Yes, and I killed the owner.
Officer: You what?
Jew: Killed the owner, I had to self defense otherwise he would call the police and I would be in jail.
The Officer looks at the Jew and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The Jew steps out of the vehicle.
Jew: Is there a problem sir?
Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner.
Jew: Killed the owner?
Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir?
Jew: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license.
The Jew digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner.
Jew: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
