Tense situation
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
Helpful Advice
Forget about the past, it’s already happened.
Forget about the future, you can’t control what’s coming.
Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.
Going Multi-Cultural
On a Chol Hamoed day an Asian boy in the park asked his mother: “Why are all Jewish kids called Kim Du”?
Customer Service
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said, ‘Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.’
Mujibar said, ‘I am ready.’
The manager said, ‘Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.’
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, ‘Mister Manager, I am ready’
The manager said, ‘Go ahead.’
Mujibar said, ‘The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, ‘Yellow’, this is Mujibar.’
Mujibar now works at a call center. No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.
English is a crazy language
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
Hashgacha Pratis? Maybe Not.
It was a packed flight from Tel Aviv. The doors were about to close when suddenly a Chassidic man in row 47 stood up. He was seated next to a woman and there was no way that he would spend the next 11 hours like that! The entire plane was asked to switch seats with him – and not one person agreed. The stewardess told him it’s time to either sit back down- or get off the plane. As he was walking off the plane, a man with a small knitted yarmulke stood up and said “Take my seat. We can switch”. Stunned, the Chassid asked “How come before you were unwilling and now you changed your mind”? The man responded: I know what’s going to happen! You get off the plane, it crashes killing everyone on board, and you’ll be telling the world the Hashgacha prattis story about how your life was saved for not sitting next to a woman. Well let me tell you something- If this plane goes down-you’re coming down with us!!!