The power of prayer
וְאִשָּׁה כִּי תִדֹּר נֶדֶר לַה’ וְאָסְרָה אִסָּר בְּבֵית אָבִיהָ בִּנְעֻרֶיהָ: (ל, ד)
And if a woman will take a vow to Hashem or prohibit a prohibition in her father’s house in her youth. (30:4)
Rashi explains: In her youth – but not a minor, nor one who is mature, for with regard to the minor, her vow is not a vow, and as for the one who is mature, she is not under the authority of her father to nullify her vows. And who is a minor? Our Rabbis have said: A girl who is at least eleven years and one day old, her vows are examined. If she realizes for Whose sake she is vowing, or for Whose sake she is consecrating, her vow is a vow. A girl who is twelve years and one day old does not need to be examined.
The words of Rashi come from an explicit Mishnah (Niddah 45b): “A girl of eleven years and one day—her vows are examined; a girl of twelve years and one day—her vows are valid; and we examine throughout her twelfth year. A boy of twelve years and one day—his vows are examined. A boy of thirteen years and one day—his vows are valid; and we examine throughout his thirteenth year.”
We thus learn from their words that a young boy of about twelve years of age already has significance to his speech, and we already must examine whether he knows on behalf of Whom he made a vow or a consecration. For if he knows, it is considered a valid vow. And similarly, a girl of eleven who vowed a vow—must be examined to determine whether she knew for Whom she vowed or to Whom she consecrated.
Therefore, there is a sacred obligation upon fathers and mothers to educate and supervise their children from the age of twelve for boys, and eleven for girls, so that they do not make vows, and to explain to them the severity of this prohibition. For if they know to Whom they are vowing, and they then violate it, they are stumbling in the severe transgression of vows and oaths.
And ideally, it is preferable to educate them even before they reach that age, to ensure that by the time they reach it, they already know to be careful with the words of their mouth. It is also proper to train them that any good commitment they accept upon themselves, they should say “bli neder” (“without a vow”), because if they do not say “bli neder,” even before bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah, they would require annulment of the vow. [And there exists a written responsum from my master and father, of blessed memory, in which he wrote that a boy of twelve already needs to perform hataras nedarim (annulment of vows) on Erev Rosh Hashanah.]
They must also be trained not to accept upon themselves good commitments that are too difficult, for any commitment a person accepts upon himself is considered a vow. As the Gemara says (Nedarim 8a): “Rav Gidel said in the name of Rav: One who says ‘I will rise early and study this chapter’ or ‘I will study this tractate’—a great vow he has vowed to the G-d of Israel.” This is also ruled in the Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chaim, Siman 238, Se’if 2): “If one has a fixed schedule to learn such-and-such every day, and he was busy one day and did not complete it, he must complete it that same night.” And the Mishnah Berurah writes on this: “This is considered a vow, as we say: ‘One who says I will study this chapter—he has made a great vow to the G-d of Israel.’ And in Yoreh De’ah, Siman 214, Se’if 1, it says that if one has accustomed himself to do a good thing and his intent was to do so always, it is a vow. And it is good that he stipulates at the outset that this should not be considered a vow, lest there be an instance when he will not be able to fulfill it.” End quote.
This is also an opportunity for parents to explain to their children how much impact speech can have—that with a single utterance, a person changes his status and brings upon himself severe obligations. And at the same time that they are taught that through their speech they can alter their own status, they should also be taught that their speech can determine the situation of others—for good or for bad. And just as they must be careful with words concerning themselves, they are also obligated to be careful with words directed toward others.
Many times, we hear people testify about themselves that they were already standing at a crossroads in life, and had it not been for a kind word spoken to them at that moment by a loyal friend, they do not know which path they would have chosen... And it was that one kind word that set them on the right path—and all of their Judaism, and the Judaism of their descendants, is credited to that one friend.
On the other hand, the well-known statement of the Gaon, the Beis HaLevi of Brisk, may his merit protect us, is that sometimes he would examine the potential of individuals and would see that if they had applied themselves properly to their studies, they could have been counted among the giants of Torah in the generation. But instead of being like a walking Sefer Torah, they had become like a walking grave, and it would be fitting to carve upon their foreheads a memorial epitaph for their genius with the following inscription: Here lies buried the righteous genius so-and-so, murdered by lowly men with the swords of their tongues...
I see—explained the Gaon—that there was no inherent reason to prevent these talented ones from rising to greatness in Torah. Only one factor can I identify: that at the beginning of their path, their peers mocked them for their diligence and for their other good deeds, and those words pierced them like the stabs of a sword. As a result, their hands were weakened from Torah and service of Hashem. And that was the cause of their downfall—that they did not take advantage of their noble talents to rise in Torah and divine service.
That person who sought to rebuke his fellow for his “excessive piety” has no idea to what extent his words reached. Who knows what good gift the Jewish people lost due to a few careless words? Sometimes, we are dealing with a very talented person, who—had he flourished—could have become a towering tree of Torah, providing great benefit to the entire generation. And sometimes, whole generations were buried under those few words—for had the father continued to grow, he would have also imparted his path to his children after him, and they too would have grown and been counted among the great ones of Israel. But it was only their father’s lack of spiritual ascent that prevented them from rising...
Therefore, a person must be exceedingly careful in guarding his mouth, that it not be like a goring horn, chalilah. He must know that the human soul is deeply pained by words of disgrace, and even if this is not outwardly visible, it causes devastation within his soul. A disgraced person may walk for days among the masses, and his soul will be mourning within him, though the matter is not externally noticeable. And were it a physical wound, onlookers would refer him to a medic, who would treat him until he was healed from his pain. But since this pain is invisible, no one pays attention or considers that he needs a doctor of souls. And even if he himself comes to that understanding, nevertheless the pain of humiliation is many times greater than the pain of a blow, and it is not easily healed.
And rightly did those interpret with wit the verse (Bereishis 49:6): ’כי באפו הרגו איש‘ - “For in their anger they slew a man”—that by a mere twisting of the nose (a gesture of scorn), a person can kill his fellow.
Therefore, be exceedingly careful with your words.
