Safeguarding Ancestral Traditions
Machlah, Tirzah, etc.—Here they are listed according to their age, as they married: Rashi comments in the order of their birth. However, throughout the pesukim, they are listed according to their wisdom, teaching us that they were equal in virtue.
This parashah offers significant lessons in the art of shidduchim, as derived from the narrative of the daughters of Tzelafechad:
1. Preserving Messores Avos (Ancestral Tradition)
First, we learn the importance of arranging matches that preserve messores avos (ancestral tradition). The Torah commanded the daughters of Tzelofechad to marry within their father’s tribe to ensure the inheritance would not transfer between tribes: ... for each one of Bnei Yisrael shall adhere to the inheritance of their fathers’ tribe.
This logic applies even more strongly to spiritual heritage. If the Torah is so particular about land remaining within a tribe, how much more so should we strive to preserve spiritual legacy and continuity. Matches should be made to maintain the traditions of one’s family—whether in customs, dress, language, or other inherited practices—ensuring these values are transmitted to future generations, as it says, for each one of Bnei Yisrael shall adhere to the inheritance of their fathers’ tribe.
This is reminiscent of how Avraham instructed Eliezer to find a wife for Yitzchak from his family, emphasizing the importance of remaining within the spiritual framework of his ancestral house.
It is well known that when matches deviate from familial messores—whether in dress, customs, or practices—the next generation is often entirely disconnected from the ways of their forebears, tragically losing their spiritual heritage.
One story illustrating this involves Rav Shmuel Gafner zt”l, father of Rav Mendel Gafner zt”l. When Rav Shmuel immigrated to Yerushalayim and saw the varied dress styles reflecting different communities, he requested to have a good photograph taken of himself. He explained that this was so his grandchildren and great-grandchildren would have a clear image of how their grandfather looked and dressed according to the ancestral messores of their family. He wanted to ensure that future generations would maintain these practices and not deviate from their heritage.
2. Proper Order in Matchmaking
From Rashi’s commentary, we also learn the proper order of matchmaking: children should ideally be married in the order of their ages. As Rashi notes, the daughters of Tzelofechad married “in the order of their birth.” If there is a compelling reason to marry off a younger sibling before an elder one, guidance should be sought from daas Torah, presenting the situation for their direction.
3. Focus on Middos and Good Deeds
Additionally, we learn from this episode that although the daughters are elsewhere listed according to their wisdom, here they are listed according to birth, emphasizing that they were equal in righteousness, good deeds, and virtuous qualities. This teaches us that when seeking a match, the primary focus should be on the good deeds and middos of the prospective match rather than their intellectual achievements. Building a faithful Jewish home depends primarily on good character and upright deeds, with chen and pleasantness.
Rav Avraham Shenker zt”l, father-in-law of the great Rav Yosef Chaim Sonnenfeld zt”l, was known for his remarkable family lineage. The illustrious talmidei chachamim of the Kopschitz family are all descendants of Rav Avraham and Rav Yosef Chaim. The elders of Yerushalayim explained that Rav Avraham merited such an exceptional lineage of Torah giants because his own marriage was born out of self-sacrifice for a mitzvah and a deep commitment to avoid shaming a Jewish woman.
Here is the story: At a wedding held in those days, it was common for the bride and groom not to meet until the wedding ceremony, often due to the distance between their communities. To fulfill the halachic requirement that the chasan see the kallah before the marriage (Kiddushin 41a), the groom would typically see his bride-to-be briefly before the chuppah.
ּ ֹב נַֽחֲלָה ִֽים: וְלֹֽא-תִס יֶינָה לְנָשּ ִֽהם ת ֵֶה אֲבִיהּ ַחַת מַטּ ְפ ׁ לְמִשּ ִים אַך יֶינָה לְנָשּ ִֽהם ת ְֶעֵֽינֵיהּ ב בֹ וּ ...לַט יֶינָהּ ִֽהׂ ְרָ אֵֽל... וַתְנֵי יִשּ בּ ְקוּ ֵה אֲבֹתָיו יִדְ בּ ְנַֽחֲלַת מַטּ בּ ִׁי אִישּ ֶה כּ ֶה אֶל-מַטּ ַטּ ׂ ְרָ אֵל מִמלִבְנֵי יִשִֽים: (לו:ו-יא) ׁן לְנָשֶ דֵ יהֹ ת צְלָפְחָד לִבְנֵי דְֹֽנוּ עָה בָֹה וְנּ מִלְכּ מַחְלָה תִרְ צָה וְחָגְלָה וּמִלְכָּה וְנּ עָה בְּנוֹת צְלָפְחָד לִבְנֵי דֹדֵיהֶן לְנָשִּים. (36:6–11)
Let them be wives to whoever is good in their eyes, but they must marry into a clan of their father’s tribe so that the inheritance of Bnei Yisrael will not pass over from one tribe to another... for each one of Bnei Yisrael shall adhere to the inheritance of their fathers’ tribe. Machlah, Tirzah, Choglah, Milkah, and No’ah, the daughters of Tzelafechad, married their cousins. (36:6–11)
