QUESTION:
My son is on a trip overseas. He has inquired about his grandfather’s health. The truth is that he was in poor health, and he recently passed away. We had the Levayah (funeral) and did not tell him. Telling him now will only ruin his trip and there is nothing he can really do about it anyway. However, I know that when he eventually finds out, he will be angry at me for not telling him. What should I do?
ANSWER:
This is a very good question, and it may be that the answer provided here should be taken as advice on a possible course of action rather than strict Halacha. If your son is the type of person who, when he finds out on his own, will be angry at you for (perhaps 2) weeks or more for not telling him, then you should tell him the truth at this time, even if it may ruin his trip. This is because one is not allowed to cause the wrongdoing of another. In this case, when he finds out on his own, you will be causing him to be angry at you, the parent, for a significant period of time and being angry at a parent could be an abdication of the Mitzvah of Kibud Av V’Eim (honoring one’s parents).
However, if your son will be angry at you for less time, then the overall benefit of not having him ruin his trip outweighs the short amount of time that he would be angry at you when he eventually finds out on his own. However, this assumes that you would forgive him for being angry at you. If your son will be completely understanding (i.e. he won’t be angry at all) if you do not tell him and he finds out on his own, then it is a Mitzvah not to tell your son about his grandfather’s death and thereby save him from unnecessary pain.
(The rulings of Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach cited in Shalmei Mo’ed, page 536, and that are orally known to this author, are in line with these parameters.)
