Many parents come to me while finding matches for their children, requesting assistance while emphasizing their child’s uniqueness. They describe their son or daughter as special—a bit beyond the norm—remarkable in their sensitivity, refinement, and various middos. Thus, they insist on finding a match that truly matches this exceptional standard. Privately, I reflect on how much of a “curse” lies within this supposed “blessing” of inflating their self-perception or their children’s uniqueness.
A wise man from Yerushalayim once shared with me that when his children reached the age of shidduchim, he would often say: “My children are not extraordinary, and I am not seeking the best and most exceptional matches for them.”
When a matchmaker praised a suggestion as being top-tier—the finest family pedigree, descendants of great Rabbinic dynasties, and the like—he would reply: “Such an elevated and special match, please, with all due respect, offer it to my esteemed neighbor. It’s not for me. I’m not seeking the best. A suitable and modest match is sufficient for us.”
Once, a man approached Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach zt”l, with a shidduch query. He described the proposed match as seemingly good in all respects based on his inquiries, yet confessed that, for some reason, it didn’t “pull” him.
Rav Shlomo Zalman responded with his characteristic smile: “The concept of ‘pulling’ is mentioned in the Gemara (Kiddushin) משיכה (25b) regarding the acquisition of livestock—‘a small animal is acquired through pulling.’ When buying livestock, if you don’t feel a pull, it’s a sign that it might not be a good deal. But when it comes to betrothing a woman, the acquisition of ‘pulling’ has no relevance. There, what matters is a careful evaluation of the proposal itself.”
