ב"ה יום שני לש"ק פר' ויגש, "זאת חנוכה", ה' תשפ"ג
Dear Alumni Sheyichyu! Sholom U’Brocho! A FREILICHEN CHANUKA!!! I have a huge debt with Mazeltov’s (and IYH it should continue to grow!) but it will have to wait a bit longer. Our thoughts and tefilos continue to be with our brothers and sisters in the Ukraine, and especially the shluchim there who are practicing such remarkable mesirus nefesh, may Hashem speedily bring them true light, and bring them נסים ופורקן וגבורות ותשועות ונפלאות!
The central theme of Chanuka is “Pirsumei nisa”,- publicizing the miracles and wonders of Hashem. The Rebbe, in 5752, added a directive to us, instructing us to publicize - in addition to the miracles of Chanuka of בימים ההם בזמן הזה, also our personal miracles that we each experienced in our personal lives. As such, although I know that I am long overdue for another email, I would be remiss if I didn't take this opportunity to share some of my personal miracles that I have recently experienced. In addition, I know that so many of you are davening and dedicating positive peulos in my zechus, and I know - with absolute certainty - that they played a larger role in my recent improvements than anything else. I will therefore share the following, with a tremendous sense of gratitude and thanksgiving to the Eibishter, and thanks to all of you:
First and foremost, humbled by the endless and overwhelming kindness of Hashem, I want to share the general Improvement that I've experienced recently and especially since yud tes kislev. Overall, I am BH like a new person, I feel, literally, like I was reborn. In general, I am so much better and more functional than I was in countless ways. In fact, on Wednesday (of Chanuka), I met with my doctor and told him that I feel like I'm a living Chanuka miracle! If I compare myself to the way I was just weeks ago, let alone months ago, there is literally no similarity between the two, BH! From being immobile, bedridden, and mostly dysfunctional, I am now BH walking, jumping and dancing around, BH BH, and able to do countless other things that were, up until a very short time ago, unthinkable! [In fact, I see myself as already recovered BH, I still visit hospitals and doctors regularly, but that is because I know that all kinds of people are dependent on me for their livelihood, and I take that responsibility very seriously. If I sometimes still walk like an old man and schlep zich, it’s merely so as not to invite an ayin hora, but as far as I am concerned the illness is behind me and I am ready to move on, BH BH BH!!!]. תודו והללו להלוך משלל הוד גהלעך יסינ לעוך יתואל פנלעו ךיתועושי!!
I want to take this opportunity, as well, to share a few of the specific miracles that happened with me. I've written in the past in detail about the T-cell treatment that I was supposed to undergo, which was part of a very early stage trial (stage 1), about which everyone was very optimistic and had high hopes. Since this summer, however, there were various delays (some, such as the need for hernia surgery, that I’ve already shared with you), followed by an overall regression in my condition, and the whole treatment had to be put on hold. Tishrei time, I was in a very bad state (in fact, for the first time in my relationship with him, my doctor was speaking pessimistically), and things were not looking good. My tolerance to the treatment that I was then having was decreasing, and – especially – I kept having very low blood counts, necessitating a few visits to ER and blood transfusions etc. The trial had to be put on hold indefinitely. They explained to me that my T-cells, the ones that had already been modified, were in a freezer and would be available any time that my condition would make me be eligible for the trial. They were particularly waiting for me to show better blood counts.
Since Tishrei, BH, things began looking up, and I was seeing improvement in every area. But recently I began experiencing BH a drastic improvement, and my blood counts were - for the first time in a long time - looking up. About 2 and a half weeks ago, following 2 days of tests, my doctor came to tell me how happy he was with my latest test results (for example, my scans had shown – overall – an 80% reduction of the tumor by the lungs, a area that had been very concerning), and with the fact that my blood counts, for the first time in a very long time, where back where we needed them to be, and he thought that I could get back onto the trial right away.
However, the next day I got a call from the trial doctor, who was our liaison with the company behind the trial, informing me that the company had rejected me from the trial. The reason for this was because despite the fact that currently my blood levels were up again and looking good, however, in the past they had always been problematic. During the past months of the trial, they collected new data and - it seems - that 2 of the people on the trial (out of 50) had passed away ע"ל. One was as a result of his blood counts going down and they couldn't get them back up, and the other was from the disease spreading by his lungs which the treatment wasn't able to arrest. Both of these issues were risk factors that were present by me, and, with the new data that they had from the past 2 months, they determined that I was too big of a risk factor and was ineligible for the trial indefinitely.
When my son called me with the news, he shared the fact that we see the tremendous kindness of Hashem; - with all of the negative experiences that necessitated the delay of the trial, I was protected and saved from a trial that G-d forbid could have killed me, as we now know from the new data! We know the rule that כל העכבה לטובה, and it this case it was extremely visible. תודו והללו להלוך משלל הוד גהלעך יסינ לעוך יתואל פנלעו ךיתועושי!!
However, to me this was not a good enough explanation: In order to save me from the treatment that could have proved fatal ו"חל"ר, the Eibishter could have kept me away from it to begin with. I didn't have to be introduced to it and then undergo all kinds of hurdles and challenges (that included tremendous yissurim) that subsequently made me ineligible. I therefore choose another way of interpreting the events, but I want to preface with a story that I've already shared in the past (which I originally heard from Dr. Pinny Young, of Buffalo, and he heard directly from the daughter of the baalei hamaaseh):
A couple survived the holocaust, and were in a DP camp. There they gave birth to a child, and were trying to rebuild their lives. At one point, the woman began experiencing stomach pains. They visited a German physician who was treating the refugees. He did a thorough checkup, and proclaimed a dire diagnosis: There was a growth in her uterus, that necessitated immediate emergency surgery and removal. The inevitable consequence would be her inability to bear any additional children.
The woman was devastated by this grim prognosis. They had been so eager to rebuild their lives by having many children and starting a new family. She couldn’t bear the thought of being unable to have any more children, and she sank into a depression. For a while she neglected the matter, and merely took medications, but the pain persisted and increased.
In desperation, they visited another specialist, who confirmed the findings of the first doctor. The woman required surgery, he informed them in no uncertain terms, and additional children were out of the question.
In their quest to find a doctor who would give them hope of a larger family, they eventually found themselves in New York, where they visited a specialist in Mount Sinai Hospital in Manhattan, to whom they had been referred. This doctor, like his predecessors, made a very thorough examination. However, his conclusions were even more ominous. ‘You have delayed too long in attending to this problem’, he told them, ‘and it is no longer a matter of having children or not. At this point immediate emergency surgery is needed to try to save the life of the woman, which is now in grave danger.
Filled with feelings of depression and hopelessness, they stumbled out of the doctors’ office not knowing where to turn next. In the corridors they encountered a chasid, who listened to their worries, and suggested that they seek the help of the Rebbe. Not having any other recourse in any case, they scheduled an appointment, and, late one night, found themselves in yechidus with the Rebbe.
There, they related their entire sad story to the Rebbe. The Rebbe asked them for the name of the first doctor who had examined the woman (the German doctor in the DP camp), but they could not recall it. The Rebbe continued to ask them details about their life and experiences, but kept returning to the question of the identity of the first doctor. Finally, the woman recalled his name.
At this point the Rebbe became very grave. “Do you really want to live and have children?” he asked. “Please consider your response carefully. The choice is yours, but the only way to accomplish this will be by performing a chalipin; - by the German doctor taking your place”. “You don’t have to feel bad about it if this is your decision”, the Rebbe hastened to reassure them, “after what they [the Germans] did to us, they well deserve it”. The couple asserted that they very much wanted the woman to live and to have more children. The Rebbe gave them his brocho, and they ended the yechidus.
Needless to say, when they returned to the doctors, they were amazed to find no trace of the earlier problems. And the woman went on to have 5 more children (one of which was the daughter who shared this story with Dr. Young).
[I don’t know if the story needs interpretation or elaboration, but I do want to relate another store, that may provide some additional insight: The tzaddik R’ Meir of Premishlan was once visited by one of the geonim of his time (I believe it was R’ Yosef Shaul Natanson, author of the shoiel umeishiv and many other seforim). During the visit, a woman came in crying that her husband is on his deathbed and is already a גוסס. R’ Meir told her to return home and not to worry, her husband had already risen from bed. The gaon watched in incredulity. The woman just informed them that her husband is on his deathbed. By what authority can you suggest to her that all is fine? What kind of hocus pocus is this?! Shortly thereafter the woman returned joyfully, filled with thanks and blessings for the tzaddik, for the miracle that he had performed for her. The gaon watched all this with astonishment and newfound respect. There was something to this after all! As soon as the woman left, he asked R’ Meir how he had done that. R’ Meir’l said to him: “I will explain to you what took place here, if you will first answer the question I will ask you in Torah: The Mishna relates that R’ Chanina ben Dosa would daven for sick people, and would then proclaim זה חי וזה מת - ‘this one will live, and this one will die’. He was asked: ‘how do you know?’ He explained: ‘If my davening goes well, then I know that it was accepted (and the person for whom I am davening will recover). But if my davening does not go well, then I know that it is rejected’ (and the ill person will not survive). There seems to be an obvious question here. If R’ Chanina ben Dosa saw that his davening went well, then we can understand his eagerness to reassure the people with the good news that the ill person would recover. But in the case in which his davening did not go well, what point could there be in his declaring that ‘this person will die’? If he has no good news to share, let him not say anything”? The gaon was stumped by the question, which he conceded was indeed very puzzling. R’ Meir’l explained: “Sometimes there is a situation in which a tzaddik sees that the person for whom he is davening has a very severe decree against him that can’t be undone. In such cases, it can be that the only recourse for the tzaddik to save the individual is by transferring the evil decree to some other wicked person who is more deserving of it”. (This was what R’ Chanina ben Dosa was saying: “This one will live, (because and as a result of the fact that) this other one will die”)]
Based on this I would choose a different interpretation of the above events: I’d like to assume that the 2 people who died were people who were – somehow - deserving to die (not Jewish people, and not righteous people etc.), and that the Eibishter had to get me involved with them in order to facilitate my own chalipin, - זה חי וזה מת - and give me life instead! תודו והללו להלוך משלל הוד גהלעך יסינ לעוך יתואל פנלעו ךיתועושי!!
Of course, there is an important lesson that we can all take from is: One of the basic characteristics of a chasid is “chayus”,- zest and lebedig-keit. In fact, we celebrate yud tes kislev with the words of the Rebbe Rashab אור וחיות נפשנו ניתן לנו. But, sometimes we may feel ourselves lacking the proper chayus and lebedi-keit in matters of kedusha, and we find it challenging to access the warmth and illumination of our neshomo. In such situations, sometimes the best approach is – as we learn from the above stories – זה חי וזה מת. Sometimes it is necessary to restrict and decrease some of the life, - some of our koach and excitement - in the pursuits of our nefesh habehamis. Instead of our davening and learning being with apathy and disinterest, let’s transfer (at least some of) the apathy and lifelessness to our worldly pleasures [as chassidus quotes in the name of the chovos halevavos: כשם שלא ישכנו יחד אש, ומים כך לא ישכנו בלב אהבה לאלקות והאהבה לדברים גשמיים, and as Chazal tell us: עד שיתפלל אדם שיכנסו דברי תורה לתוך מעיו יתפלל שלא יכנסו מעדנים לתוך מעיו], and we will be able restore and revive the health of our nefesh hoElokis. And that is the ultimate miracle! תודו והללו להלוך משלל הוד גהלעך יסינ לעוך יתואל פנלעו ךיתועושי!!!
As you know, I have been campaigning about the brocho of asher yotzar for over 8 months now and many of you are reciting this brocho with more concentration and focus etc. For me this has been 8 months of daily miracles (ניסיך שבכל יום עמנו ונפלאותיך וטובותיך שבכל עת)! In all of this time, I have not taken any laxatives and I have been BH managing only with the power of the asher yotzar! There have been many ups and downs throughout this time, and, admittedly, at times, when there were slow days, I felt myself as a קטני אמונה (see Sota 48B ve’od), as I waged an inner battle, with one inner voice pushing me to seek other remedies, although I knew better... Just on yud tes kislev I had been at the end of a few slow days that were concerning to me. In the afternoon I had been to the ohel BH (which was in itself a miracle, and the first time that I made it there since Tishrei, Hodula Hashem ki tov ki le’olam chasdo!!), and that was one of the matters that I requested a brocho for. By night I was quite concerned, and my inner skeptic was already thinking about other remedies. But, BH by the next morning was a complete reversal, and I was once again experiencing the ישועתה' in an amazing manner!
I know (and have seen...) that this is something that is easy to become lax in over time, and I want to take this opportunity to once again urge all of you to take the extra few seconds to give this brocho the attention it deserves ואין מזרזין אלא למזורזין, along with thanking you for your efforts until now הודאה על העבר ובקשה על להבא. Whether you are doing it for me, for yourself, for someone else, or to express the much-warranted appreciation to the Eibishter for the awesome functionability of our bodies, we can all afford to place more effort into reciting this brocho (and, hopefully that will be a springboard to many more brochos...) properly. And may we all experience the amazing nissim of רופא כל בשר ומפליא לעשות in the best possible manner! תודו והללו להלוך משלל הוד גהלעך יסינ לעוך יתואל פנלעו ךיתועושי!!!
This has already become longer than anticipated, and I still have more to say, but I’d like to conclude today by sharing one more yud tes kislev miracle that I experienced: For a while, one of the effects of my illness was my inability to focus, and learning and davening had become very
