Rabbi Yitzchak Adlerstein
Nachas (not the chips)
Nachas is the Jewish word for enjoyment, satisfaction, and pride—all bundled together. If you like ice cream, the feeling of nachas is like your entire innards becoming one big vanilla fudge ice cream sundae. If you want nachas from your kids, the best way to get it is by getting nachas from your kids. That means letting slide the stupid little things that kids do, and getting a kick out of the cute, smart and beautiful little things they do. Let them see your smile. For every “No!” there’s got to be at least five hugs, kisses, pats on the back, cheek-pinching, and just plain loving smiles. Kids thrive on your enjoyment of them.
As Ashley Montagu pointed out, no culture provides attention and affection to their kids as do Jews. In English, we don’t even have a word for nachas!
Eat Together
Want a cohesive family? Eat together. Make a big deal of turning off your cell phones. Set a place where all devices will stay put for the half-hour of dinner time. Including yours. No exceptions—nothing is more important than this time now. Enjoy each other’s company. Be happy to be with your kids. Each day, find some story or interesting fact to say at the table. Each week, save stories and neat Torah facts to say at the Shabbat meal. Friday night meals (and Saturday, as well) are your main tools for creating a family. Never come to the Friday night table exhausted. The holy Rebbe of Rimanov often wondered why taking a nap on Friday afternoon was not one of the Ten Commandments.
Tips the Parenting Books Won’t Tell You
The un-PC guide to being a real parent
Rabbi Tzvi Freeman
Bungee Ropes of Love
When your kids morph into mashugana teenagers, hold tight to the bungee ropes. If they know you love them no matter what, they won’t want to do things that will hurt you. And if they do, eventually they’ll bounce back up. In Tanya, the basic book of chassidic thought, those ropes are called “thick cords of love.” They’re the only way to pull someone back.
Be Together
Take family trips. Squeeze into the car together. Take pictures. Okay, so you won’t get out until 3 in the afternoon. Okay, you’ll spend more time packing, making sandwiches, loading the van, unpacking, etc., than you will spend having fun. But you’ll be a family, the kids will have good memories, and when they have their own families, they’ll take you along on their own family trips.
But, nevertheless, make sure to have time to take out each child alone. Even if it’s just to run an errand, grab a kid—but just one kid—and throw him or her in the back seat. It’s just the two of you, and that’s what counts. The Baal Shem Tov taught that G-d treats each of us as an only child. Our kids deserve the same.
Invest
Parenting is not a hobby, and children are not the collateral damage of marriage. These are people’s lives you are dealing with, a Divine mission. Besides, these are also the people who might one day sign you into some horrible retirement home—or, do things right, and they’ll make you the king and queen of the palace.
Basically, they’re the biggest investment you’ll make in life—the only one that’s for perpetuity. Invest all you got. You’ll reap the dividends now, and when you need it the most, you’ll cash in big-time, with grandchildren who think you’re the greatest grandparents in the world. What greater wealth could there be?
