In this week’s Parsha the Sa’ar Hamashkim (butler) relayed to Pharaoh, Yosef’s ability in interpreting dreams when he said (Bereshis 41:12): “And there, with us, was a youth, a Hebrew, a slave, we related it to him, and he interpreted our dreams for us; each in accordance with his dream did he interpret.” It is interesting to note all the details the Sa’ar Hamashkim made sure to include in his description of Yoseph, a youth, a Hebrew, and a slave.
Rashi tells us that he included these details because he was trying to demean Yosef in Pharaoh’s eyes. When he called Yosef a youth, he pointed out that he was a fool and not fit for a position of greatness. When he called him a Hebrew, he wanted Pharaoh to know that Yosef was not even familiar with the Egyptian language. When he called him a slave, he was trying to bring Pharaoh’s attention to the fact that it was written in the protocols of Egypt that a slave may not rule and may not wear royal garments.
What does this Rashi have to do with Shalom Bayis? Rashi is pointing out to us that the innocent descriptive words that the Sa’ar Hamashkim used were not so innocent. We can take this message and apply it to ourselves because it is human to say things in a nonchalant way, but really have a pejorative message that is sitting behind our words. Sometimes we can make a comment, and if we just take a moment to think, “do we really want to bring a whisper of negativity into our homes?” we can change what we say ever so slightly, and it can stay innocent. For example, if we are sitting at a Shabbos table with our spouse instead of saying, “The house looks great - it’s amazing what you can do when you want to!” Let us take a moment and think of what is behind our words. Let’s focus on effort instead of results, that sounds like “The house looks great!” or “I appreciate how hard you worked to make Shabbos special for us.”
Instead of commenting on a D’var Torah, “That was beautiful - you really kept it short tonight!” Let us leave out the hidden message and just keep the positivity with “I enjoyed your D’var Torah.” There is a place in our marriages to communicate our preferences, but let us try to communicate at the right time when we are relaxed and can speak to our spouse privately - and with respect. Let us learn from the Sa’ar Hamashkim what NOT to do when speaking to our spouses. It takes paying attention, being honest, and sometimes changing what we were about to say, but the dividends are worth the effort. May Hashem shine the light of Shalom Bayis into our homes. Happy Chanukah!
