In the early 2000s, a fellow student at Yeshiva Chofetz Chaim in Queens, NY, experienced the loss of his mother, who passed away unexpectedly at a young age. Along with several friends, I traveled from Queens to Brooklyn to pay a Shivah call.
As anticipated, the atmosphere in the Shivah home was deeply somber. Although we endeavored to find the right words of comfort, it became apparent that none of us found the right words to console the bereaved family. After some time, our group approached the mourners, recited “Hamakom Yenacheim Es’chem,” and respectfully departed.
As we walked down the driveway, feeling that we had not found words to truly comfort the mourners, we saw a car come to a stop in front of the house. Rav Dovid Feinstein ZT”L stepped out, along with others who had come with him to pay a Shivah call.
My friends and I recognized that this was an important opportunity to learn how to comfort a mourner, so we turned around and returned to the Shiva house. We hoped to observe Rav Dovid and discover what words of comfort he might offer in such a difficult situation.
After sitting down in front of the mourners, Rav Dovid did nothing but join the family in their sorrow, quietly expressing his deep sadness. I expected him to offer words to help the grieving family understand their loss, but he remained silent. His presence alone, without a single word spoken, made his empathy and pain unmistakable. Remarkably, we all felt that his silent, compassionate presence brought genuine comfort to the family during their grief.
This experience illustrates an essential principle: the purpose of a Shivah visit is to demonstrate care and a shared sense of loss for the mourners. Contrary to common belief, Nichum Aveilim (comforting mourners) does not require eloquent words or solutions intended to alleviate grief. Understanding this clarifies the intention behind a Shivah visit and may ease the apprehension felt by those who wish to offer support to mourners and can’t always find the right words to do so.
But the lessons learned during that Shivah visit soon grew exponentially. After some time, one of the mourning children said to Rav Dovid, “An earlier visitor suggested that since our mother passed away young, it means she was able to accomplish in a short amount of time all of the good deeds that normally would take most people another 20 or 30 years to accomplish.”
The child clearly wanted to hear Rav Dovid agree, and tell him what kind of a righteous woman his beloved mother must have been. However, as a purveyor of truth, that is not what Rav Dovid chose to do. He humbly admitted that we cannot truly understand the reasons behind Divine actions. He pointed out that while events unfold according to a greater plan, the logic behind them is beyond our grasp.
Instead of offering conjecture regarding the reasons for their mother's passing at a young age, Rav Dovid opted to address the family with honesty while imparting an important lesson. Proposing theories to explain Hashem's actions may offer temporary comfort but ultimately amounts to speculation. Assuming we fully comprehend Hashem’s intentions can potentially be more damaging over time, especially when such assumptions prove unfounded.
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,” says Hashem. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts [higher] than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)
(As told by Rabbi Akiva Males – Rav of the Young Israel of Memphis)
