Torah Lessons for the Home
Rabbi Shimon Gruen
You end by questioning yourself and asking if you’re crazy, so I’ll begin by affirming that you aren’t. In a situation such as the one you describe, it’s normal to feel resentful and it’s normal to feel some relief from venting. Feelings, whatever they are, are always valid and it’s important to have them validated.
That said, feelings are just that — feelings. Emotions are not always an accurate representation of reality. They aren’t “wrong,” yet we shouldn’t trust our feelings to tell us the entire truth of our lives.
This is why it’s important to vent to the right person. Don’t choose a person who will validate not only your feelings but also the thoughts and perceptions you attach to them. While it’s understandable to feel so frustrated that you worry that your marriage will break up, thinking that this is what will happen is mistaken. You don’t want someone taking that too seriously.
Even if, as you write, this isn’t the first or the second time that something similar has happened, you should take care to keep the focus on this aspect of your relationship and not extrapolate to your entire marriage. Even if, for example, a spouse appears to be self-centered in one area, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he is in general a self-centered person and that he doesn’t show any consideration for your feelings in any part of your marriage.
Keeping the focus specific and accurate is important, not just because it gives a more accurate picture of what’s going on, but also because it makes it much easier to find a solution.
The general dynamics of the situation you’re describing are quite common and I’m frequently approached by men who tell me how much they would like to welcome guests in their home, only their wives can’t deal with it, for whatever reason.
Sometimes, the husband feels that the wife is being unreasonable and sees her as preventing him from fulfilling an important mitzvah. Hachnassas orchim undoubtedly is an important mitzvah.
Then again, building one’s shalom bayis is certainly no less important... Instead of being resentful at feeling “controlled,” a husband in such a situation can decide of his own accord to put his family first. Whenever someone feels a special connection to a certain mitzvah, what they have to remember is that fulfilling it shouldn’t come at anyone else’s expense.
When I was a child I remember hearing R’ Yaakov Galinsky ztz”l tell a joke about a man at a chasunah who goes around the hall and removes a few dollars from each person’s pocket. When confronted, he protests that he’s engaged in a very important mitzvah — enabling all these people to give tzedakah — and that he’s actually doing it in the most mehudar way, matan beseser, where neither the donor nor the recipient are known.
In general, if your mitzvah in one area is causing distress in another, it’s probably a good idea to stop and reflect on whether there isn’t a better way to go about things. With a bit of creativity and goodwill, a person can find plenty of ways to fulfill hachnassas orchim, or any other mitzvah, without making anyone suffer.
In your particular case, your husband hasn’t yet come to meet you half-way and you’re frustrated that he doesn’t seem to understand your feelings. You can still make the first move to change the situation for the better, and the best way to start is by recognizing that while he may not be going about things in the most considerate fashion, he still has good intentions.
Your husband apparently has great sipuk from welcoming guests into his home, and although you find it challenging, perhaps you can figure out how he can continue to host people without it taking such a toll on the rest of the family. Until that happens, you’ll be seeing your husband as someone who tries to control you, and vice versa, and the resentment will only grow.
If you approach him at a calm time — not in the heat of the moment when your frustration is bubbling over — and first tell him how much you admire his devotion to Jews in need of help, you’ll be setting the scene for an entirely different type of conversation from the one you’ve probably been having until now. It’s very hard to swallow one’s burning feelings and smile and wait for a good time to raise the subject. But it’s very much worth the effort.
Recognizing his good intentions doesn’t mean that you have to give in and let him do things the way he wants. Similarly, his recognizing your feelings about unexpected guests doesn’t mean that he must never bring a guest home without prior warning.
Acknowledging his good intentions and showing flexibility isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s actually a sign of strength and confidence, and it also makes it much more likely that the other person will respond in kind.
After clarifying that you understand and respect his good intentions you should clearly and respectfully tell your husband that while he did not necessarily do anything wrong, nonetheless you would so much appreciate if next time, he could do things differently. “Next time, it would mean so much to me if you could just give me a call from shul to tell me that you’re bringing someone home, and then I can be ready in time. Like this I don’t have to rush the children into bed.”
It’s possible that your husband will reply as he has done in the past: “Why should I call?” While such a response can be hurtful, it is very likely that it is a cover-up for his awareness that he lacked sensitivity and consideration in the past. It’s hard to climb down from that tree in an instant and humbly say, “You’re right. I’m sorry.” The real test will come next time he wants to bring someone home and, despite his protests, he does actually call you to tell you that he’s bringing home a hungry Yid.
Try to overcome the temptation to explain why your way of doing things makes more “sense.” While justifying your position may seem logical, it actually makes things more complicated. It’s already difficult for a spouse to admit that he may have slipped up — if you now present an entire argument, demonstrating how wrong he is, he’s likely to respond defensively and try to disprove any points you make.
In any case, determining “right” and “wrong” (or, as you put it, who the “villain and the victim” are) is not at all straightforward. What’s more, it doesn’t even matter. This is about your feelings and those of your husband. Feelings aren’t right or wrong. They just are, and in any relationship, we have to take them into account whether or not they’re logical. Trying to prove that your feelings are more justified than his is generally useless at best, and often counterproductive.
Fundamentally, what you’re trying to do is change behavior, not feelings. No one can alter another person’s feelings (although they may change as a result of acting differently). In your case, there may be a few practical things you can do yourself to address your resentment. For instance, you could gently mention to your husband that the added mess at the end of the day after you’re already exhausted from putting the children to bed is just too much for you, and then suggest that if he could tidy away the dishes, (or use paper goods instead), it would make so much difference.
You might also suggest that the children can’t be confined to their bedroom in the evening, and also that you need to be able to access the kitchen, and then add that you hope he won’t mind your presence as well as that of the children.
Looking at the broader picture and trying to address the issues creatively will be easier once you validate your feelings and accept that your husband’s feelings are valid, too.
Such situations, where one spouse’s nature appears to directly conflict with the other’s, are common in marriage. It’s entirely natural to feel frustrated whenever such conflicts arise, and to sometimes get overwhelmed and even despair. Overcoming those feelings isn’t easy.
Often what it takes is to “wake up” from the superficial appearance of our lives and try to see beneath the surface, looking more objectively at two people, a husband and a wife, who are genuinely trying to find the best way to build a bayis ne’eman be’Yisrael and may have different “right” ways of going about it. Waking up to ourselves and to each other is what’s needed to make our way through life and fulfill the mitzvos in the best possible way, with our priorities straight and our relationships becoming stronger than ever.
To contact Rabbi Gruen please call 718.841.6557 or e-mail [email protected]
To subscribe to receive the weekly essay, please email [email protected]
Please feel free to send any questions, on this topic or any topic to [email protected]
