So the son went to where the sages were staying and they blessed him as follows: “It should be the will of Hashem that your table should be always in confusion.” That’s what they said to him.
Now, when the son came home the father wanted to hear what happened. “Nu? What did they say? What was the blessing they gave you?”
“Blessing?” the son said. “They cursed me. They said that my table should be confused, turned upside down.”
A Father’s Interpretation
So the father told his son, “No, no. You’re not understanding them. They gave you a very big blessing. They mean you should have a big family, lots of sons and daughters, climbing over the table and under the table.”
You know when you have two children or one child or no child, it’s nice and quiet. You don’t have to worry too much; your table stays clean and upright. When you have a big family, however, boys and girls, you understand that it’s an entirely different story.
Boys especially; if you ever brought up a boy, you know that he’s a mazik, a sheid. No matter what the feminists tell you – they try to persuade you that girls are the same as boys – but it’s not so. Boys are uniquely troublemakers. But girls are not easy to raise either. Girls are a different type of trouble but they’re also a handful. And so whatever it is, a houseful of children, boys and girls, absolutely means a table that’s overturned.
I say ‘table’ – it’s a life that’s overturned. Because they’re fighting and making noise and breaking dishes. It’s not easy. They don’t listen, they complain, they get sick, they don’t appreciate what you do for them.
And that’s what this father told his son: “When they said you should merit a confused table, they were saying the truth. It was a way of saying you should have a big family. It was a blessing.”
The Blessed Riddle
But the question is, why did those sages say it in that way? The boy was asking for a blessing, not a riddle. They could have said “Your seed should be abundant like the dust of the earth.” That’s a better way of saying it, of blessing him with a lot of children. They could have said, “You should have a happy house, filled with children.” That’s what I would have, anyhow.
The answer is, the blessing of children is not what we think it is. Of course it’s a big blessing if you have children in the home. There’s a lot of happiness in a home filled with children, a lot of nachas in a crowded home. And even if there’s trouble here and there but one day you’ll walk them down to the chuppah and there’ll be grandchildren too. Absolutely it’s a happiness and it’s a big zechus too.
But there’s a bigger happiness, a bigger merit. And that’s the difficulties, the tzaar gidul bonim, the tables they turn upside down. The fact that your children were turning the house upside down, that was the biggest benefit you’ll have from them.
The Runaway Mom
I’ll explain that. You know, sometimes a mother thinks, “If only I could just drop it all and run away. Look at my cousin, a career woman. She has no children. She comes home at night to her empty apartment in Manhattan and she lies down on her couch. She eats her cake and her soda, whatever it is, and she listens to the weather, looks at TV and she plans her program for the next day. And she goes to sleep on time. If she wants, she goes to sleep whenever she likes. And look at me – I have to get up in the middle of the night.”
After all, you’re trying to raise a Jewish generation. It means one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, children and they are various ages. You know what that means? You know what type of life it is? It’s a life of lakuf es yitzro. A mother and father are always bending their will to give to their children. It needs kvishas haratzon. You have to restrain your own desires to take care of children. You have to sacrifice so much of your own convenience for a child.
You have to diaper this child and humor another child. You have to tolerate your child’s tantrums and you have to go along with their quirks and play with them. You have to do all kinds of things for them. And no matter how much trouble they make, how difficult they may be – sometimes they’re insolent and disrespectful – but a parent continues to give and give.
Now it doesn't mean raising children is all suffering. There's no question there are compensations in raising children. A mother is constantly happy with her children. Every minute she just loves to look at her children. The mere fact that she hears their voices is music in her ears. And nevertheless, sometimes it's too much music. Sometimes there's music in the middle of the night too and the parents can't sleep.
Unselfish Selfishness
But they do it anyhow. So while the other men and women in midtown New York or from suburban places are traveling all over the world spending money – they don’t have any children so they’re traveling around for their own good times, for selfish purposes – meanwhile this frum young woman or frum young man is giving their life away for somebody else. That’s kevishas haratzon. That’s self control. And they’re becoming more and more perfect!
And you want to know who the selfish one really is? The frum mother and father, they’re the selfish ones because they’re making themselves better and better. Every day, every minute, it’s a bending of their will and a perfection of character. They become transformed and that’s the most selfish thing because that’s what will be forever. The neshamah they mold, that’s their property that will be forever.
When Children Change Parents
Don’t you see sometimes that girls who were negligent, girls who were lazy and selfish, when they became mothers they became transformed. Boys who were troublemakers and all they considered was their own pleasure, if you see them many years later, after years of raising children, they’re transformed. They become industrious. They become compassionate. All of the bending of the will, day in day out, is a means of self transformation, a means of perfection of character.
And that means it’s the most selfish thing to have a house with a lot of children – it’s the good selfishness. That’s why the seforim say that when a person goes through tzaar gidul bonim, he doesn’t even see Gehenom in passing. Everybody will have to take a little vacation in Gehenom before he goes to the Next World because we have some flaws in our character and before we can go to the place for our great reward we have to stop in for a little while so they can brush us off and take off some specks from our character before we can go in to Gan Eden. But if you had tzaar gidul bonim, you won’t even look at Gehenom from a distance. You know why? Because you had it already!
You had it in the most effective way in this world when you’re able to change yourself by yourself. If you change in Gehenom, it’s not because you changed, but it’s a chessed, a kindliness of Hashem that changes you.
The Simple and the Mystical
And so we come back now to the beginning of our talk, about the greatness of tikkun atzmo, and I’ll tell you what was mentioned in the beginning. We said that this perfection of tikkun atzmo is also included in the mystical concept of tikkun that is found in the kabbalah seforim; that when you train yourself in this program of lakuf es yitzro it’s a fulfillment of a mystical concept too.
The Tomer Devorah tells us that. Because in his preface he’s talking about serving Hashem by emulating His ways and he says like this: “It is proper for a man to resemble his Creator and then he’ll be included in that great secret of the Tzurah Elyonah, the Upper Image, Tzelem u’Demus, in His likeness and His appearance.” It’s a mystical concept that Hakadosh Baruch Hu has a certain Image, and when you practice emulating Hashem’s ways there’s some mystical connection between you and the Shechinah.
And what’s the first example he brings? What’s the first middah of Hashem that a person should imitate in order to enter into that secret of His Image? It’s what we’ve been discussing here. The first example, the Tomer Devorah says is “Who is there a powerful G-d that is like You?” That’s what the navi Michah said about Hashem: “Who is a Keil like You?”
A Different Type of Power
Now, Keil means the One Who is Powerful but the Navi here is saying that this Power has two aspects. Because Hakadosh Baruch Hu has Power to do anything He wants. He could cause a sinner to die on the spot if He willed it. That’s Keil, that He has the Power to do it. And still, there is a second aspect of that Power: He is a Keil Who utilizes all of His Power to bestow on the sinner all the abilities, all the faculties and energy necessary to continue his existence even though he’s sinning.
In that same moment that a person is committing an indignity against Hashem by disobeying Him, he is being supported by Him. The sinner’s body is functioning only because Hashem is maintaining its function with the millions of miracles that take place within the human body.
That’s the great middah of Keil: Hashem tolerates the impertinence of man toward Him with such a tremendous toleration that the mind cannot comprehend. Because there’s nothing that is concealed from the eyes of Hashem. He sees everything. And yet, Hakadosh Baruch Hu doesn’t cut off from him His help. Even when a man is raising his arm to commit a sin, when he’s behaving as an enemy of Hakadosh Baruch Hu, He supplies to him the energy and the dexterity to move his arm.
The Perfection of Creation
And that, the Tomer Devorah says, is the first middah that a man should attempt to follow. Because that middah, the middah of patience with others and being willing to ‘bend your will’ to such a degree that you won’t take away favors from anyone, even the one who is being insolent against you, that’s one of the great accomplishments of man in this world.
It’s the achievement that Hakadosh Baruch Hu wants most from you: that you should fulfill the principle of bending yourself in your dealings with others and fulfilling the purpose of life. You’re changing yourself into a more perfect creation, so perfect that you’re included in the Tzurah Elyonah, the Upper Image of Hakadosh Baruch Hu.
Have a Wonderful Shabbos
Let’s Get Practical
One Bend a Day
Once a day this week, I will bli neder look for an opportunity to be especially kind and especially helpful to a difficult person, an ‘enemy’ of mine, with the intention of lakuf es yitzro, gradually bending my will and perfecting my character. And I will have in mind that I’m doing it l’sheim Shamayim: “I’m doing this because Hakadosh Baruch Hu put me in this world primarily for this function of shviras hamiddos!”
This week’s booklet is based on tapes: 49 – Pursuing Real Money | 389 – Perfection in Marriage: Emulating Hashem 649 – Be Selfish | 874 – A Nation of Self Control | E-173 – A Life of Self Control
