Question: I’ve been married for about 10 years and feel I married the wrong person. Should I get a divorce, stay in the marriage, or how should I cope with this feeling?
Answer: Feeling this way after many years of marriage is not unusual. Many people at some point question whether they married the right person.
There is a lot that can be said on this subject, but one area that is helpful to explore is the role our thoughts play in how we interact with our environment. Habitual thought patterns, like focusing on the negative, have a strong effect on how we feel and relate to a situation. Yet, every encounter contains a mix of good and bad—it’s our choice where we focus.
Two stories illustrate this principle. The first involves the Rebbe Rashab, the fifth Chabad Rebbe. The Rebbe asked two chassidim to describe the situation in the town of Odessa. One emphasized decline, the other growth and renewal. The Rebbe rewarded the one who saw the positive, explaining that he already knew what was happening in Odessa. What he wanted to know was which “Odessa” each chassid chose to live in.
The second story is about a woman who divorced her husband because she felt he was too simple compared to her ambitious and high-powered nature. Later, she met his new wife, who described life with him as wonderful—not because he changed, but because she focused on his positive qualities, like his skills in cooking and hiking.
The lesson is clear: where we place our attention shapes our feelings and experience. In addition, when we are critical of ourselves, we tend to be critical of others. The more we focus on the good in ourselves, our strengths, qualities, and good intentions, the more we will learn to also see the good qualities in others.
Therefore, I would not rush to divorce. Instead, focus on your husband’s positive qualities. The more you do this, the more positive results you will notice.
Remember, you are not a victim of your situation; you have the power to choose what to focus on, thereby cultivating a more loving, close and fulfilling marriage.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling: www.aharonschmidt.com.
To join email or Whatsapp list and receive periodic ideas and tips, reach out to [email protected].
