A Reliable Source
Now, how important is the subject of tikkun atzmo? So we’ll see what the Vilna Gaon says in one place. Me, you could argue with. Rabbi Miller, who says he’s reliable? But the Gra? The Gra you can trust.
In one place the Vilna Gaon says like this: The main purpose of a man's life is to strengthen himself always to break his qualities of character, to go against all the tendencies and instincts of character. That's the main purpose of our lives, to break the middos. And if he’s not going to bother with that, why does he need life?
And it’s based on a possuk in Mishlei. Why is there money in the hand of a fool with which he can buy wisdom, but he has no mind and so he doesn’t know what he’s doing (17:16). Here’s a fool walking in the street with money in his hand.
So we say to him, “Mr. Fool, that’s a lot of money you have. What’s it for?”
“Oh, this money? It’s to buy something.”
“What are you supposed to be buying?”
He doesn’t know. He was sent on an errand but he forgot what he’s supposed to buy. And so he just walks around the grocery putting random things into his basket. “Maybe I’m here for this or maybe for that.”
The Currency of Life
Hakadosh Baruch Hu sent us into this world with money. What money? Life! Whether you're old and only have a few more years or you're young and you have many years, every day is money! Every minute is money!
But the question is do you know what you’re supposed to be doing with the money of life. When you ask the young fool or the old fool what's the purpose of life, he says he wants to go to Florida. Other things too. “I have to make a living. I have to eat. I have to watch a ballgame. I have to sleep.” A lot of things he’s buying with his time.
So along comes Mishlei and he says, you know what life is for? The purpose of that money is to acquire the wisdom of proper living; in Mishlei the word chochmah means proper living, perfection of character.
Of course, it means Torah and mitzvos too; Torah and mitzvos are absolutely included. But you have to know that many people who are loyal to the Torah and are willing to fulfill everything are not aware of the urgency of the concept of shviras hamiddos. A person's purpose in life is to mold his character.
And how does he mold his character? By going against the passions and instincts that motivate him; by bending your yetzer hara into a pretzel for the purpose of tikkun! That’s the purpose of your life – to change yourself for the better!
Good Selfishness
You know, if we are going to give a name to this lecture we would call it ‘Be Selfish’. Now, that’s an interesting name because it seems we’re talking here about the opposite of selfishness; about giving to others, about bending to the will of others. But actually it’s the most appropriate name because we’re learning now that we are here in this world to make use of difficult people for our own selfish gain. A wise person uses all the opportunities to bend his yetzer hara because he understands that tikkun atzmo, the perfection of his own neshamah, that’s what he’s living for. That's why you came to this world with a neshamah, so that you should mold and transform yourself into something better.
And that’s how we should view the opportunities of ‘difficult’ people – as the opportunity to be lakuf es yitzro. And so when such opportunities come – the difficult passengers – we should be selfish. We should think, “I’m not going to waste my character by sinking to this man’s level! On the contrary! I’m going to utilize him to make something out of myself! I’m going to use the money of life to gain profit from him! I’ll deal with him with kindness and gentleness and a smile no matter what.”
Shuls and Shoes
Let’s say there’s somebody in the synagogue against whom you bear a grudge. It could be a justified grudge. Let’s say the gabbai has decided to ostracize you. You never get an aliyah! Or he finally gives you one, and you feel it’s an outright insult to you! He’s needling you.
And so for some time when the time comes to say, “Good Shabbos,” you made it your business to avoid him. But now that you’re learning this great principle, so make up your mind, you’re not the going to wait until he does teshuva; forsake what you have in your heart, and be with him (Shemos 23:5). And so you go over and say “Good Shabbos,” anyhow.
I knew a man once who trained himself like this. He had a competitor, a frum Jew, and he was losing business to this competitor. And he was angry at him. It’s not an easy test to have a competitor who sells better shoes than you and has more customers than you. Especially if your store was on the block first. I don’t envy that man’s test.
The Successful Shoe Store
But this man turned that test into gold. He passes by him on Shabbos on the street, and he gives him a nice, big “Good Shabbos!” It’s not easy; it hurts you when you see a competitor. But this man understands what life is for so he makes it a success. He sees his ‘enemy’ coming down the block and he’s thinking that Hashem loves that man. He’s a frum Jew; absolutely Hashem loves him.
And so he says, “I wish that man should become wealthier and wealthier. Of course, I also should become wealthier and wealthier. I wish him he should live long. He should enjoy the cholent today. He should sleep oneg Shabbos. I wish him all good things.”
“Oh”, Hakadosh Baruch Hu says, “You’re forcing your yetzer hara to bend over; that’s the best thing of all.” After all, what’s the success of life! Selling shoes? Customers? It’s important but it’s not life. Life is for perfection of character.
An Abusive Husband
And now we’re going to see a few examples that are maybe more on our level. Here is a woman who comes to me and she has a difficult husband. He comes home from work, he’s excited and nervous. And when she makes the slightest remark, he falls upon her with abusive words.
Now this doesn’t mean that we’re going to justify him. There’s no question something should be done in order to teach him, but it’s not easy to train a person, especially if he doesn’t come and ask for it. And so he’s difficult, always starting a quarrel.
But what will she gain by participating in the quarrel? Nothing at all. She’ll only pour oil on the fire. And so if she’s a wise woman she decides to forget about it. “I’ll forget what he said against me, like it never happened.” That’s a wise woman.
A Successful Wife
But if she’s a very wise woman then she’ll do more. Because forgetting, that’s excellent, but it’s a lost opportunity, a wasted opportunity. I’ll tell you what success is. Here is a woman – her husband insults her. They fought. He’s her ‘enemy’ now. And she’s upset at him, she’s hurt. What does she do? She cooks a tidbit, a piece of cake or something and puts it on a plate and offers it to him. A tidbit to appease her husband.
Now, he might turn it down. He's a fool for doing so but he might turn it down. So she thinks it was a waste – he’s the same bull as he was before. But she has to know she has done something tremendous. Did she change him? Probably not. But she did better than that. She changed herself! She has forced herself to do a nice deed of friendship to her husband despite the fact that he was mean to her, and that means she changed herself.
A Successful Husband
Now, it might happen the other way too. You come home from work and your wife falls upon you. “All day long,” she says, “I have to stay here with the children and now you come home at night. It’s your job to take over.” And she says it with such passion.
Now she doesn’t know that you had cantankerous customers today, that you were suffering from your employer or from the other employees. So you’re thinking, “What kind of dissatisfaction could she voice against me? I’m working hard to make a living!”
But you remember this lesson of being selfish and so you gather your strength – you bend your yetzer hara and you answer sympathetically, “You’re right, my dear, you’re right. What do you want me to do? You want me to wash the dishes tonight? I’ll watch the children.”
She doesn’t want you to wash the dishes. She won’t let you. She won’t let you watch the children either. But in the meantime, as soon as you answer these words, you have gained a very great merit.
Succeeding With Cousin Jake
Or let’s say you’re going to a wedding and you know you’re going to meet there your second cousin, Jake. Now, Jake is a frum Jew but he’s not a talmid chocham. He’s not wealthy either. He has no especial reason that he should be arrogant. But he is. There are people like that, you know. Conceited, but for nothing.
And when he meets you, he looks down on you. Although you are far superior to him – maybe you learned, maybe you have secular education, maybe you even have smichah; and he has nothing – but he’s so full of empty ga’avah that he despises you.
So imagine now that you’re going to meet him at the wedding. Now, there’s a principle of course to not look for tests. An oved Hashem follows the method of lehaktin hanisayon, of minimizing the challenges, but sometimes it can’t be avoided. In life you must meet people and sometimes, maybe even often, the people may be of the kind that are difficult to deal with.
So you have to walk over to him. You have to greet him; you have to say hello to him. And even though you know that he’ll barely notice you – you’re nothing to him – but you resolve to greet him with a smile, to be especially nice to him no matter what.
Holy Selfishness
“I am selfish,” you think, “and that’s why I’m not going to cheapen myself because of you. Just because you are mean and impolite, I’m going to become mean and impolite? Oh no. I’m not going to give up my purpose in life just because of you. Just the opposite! I’m going to rise up to greater heights because of you.”
And people who live selfishly for the purpose of increasing their perfection by casting their neshama in the mold of bending their yetzer hara, they’re the ones whom Hakadosh Baruch Hu considers the fulfillment of the purpose of the world. Hakadosh Baruch Hu looks down and says, “You are fulfilling your purpose in life. Because to force one’s own inclination, it’s the very best thing in this world.”
