I am assuming that by the time you see my response the vacation will be history. If anyone has a question that is time-sensitive, they shouldn’t wait for a shiur or an essay to receive an answer. I use these platforms to draw attention to issues that affect many people and not to answer specific questions. In such situations people generally need individualized guidance. The details of the situation, the personalities involved, and the surrounding circumstances are all relevant when it comes to practical advice and real-time guidance.
Everything we do must always start with what the Torah expects of us. True and long-lasting happiness only results when we are guided by the Torah. Even though people can feel fleeting satisfaction from giving in to their desires, this satisfaction never lasts. I’ve seen so many couples who tried following advice from non-Jewish or non-frum therapists etc., thinking that they would improve their shalom bayis — and instead the opposite occurred, being that the advice was not in line with Torah values and principles.
There are people who think they know better and sadly, ridicule those who follow the Torah “even in the twenty-first century” and don’t feel any need or wish to “adapt to the times.” These are not people whose opinions we should respect.
The correct approach whenever we want to know whether something is okay or not is to ask a rav. Sometimes, we really don’t know if something is a chumra, a geder, or basic halachah. Looking for clarity in any area is never something to be ashamed of.
In situations such as the one you describe, generally the best way to respond is: “I would like to make you happy and I understand what you’re saying. I want to ask a rav and find out what the right thing to do is. I hope we can both really be happy and feel good about what we’ll do.”
This should never be said in a way that presents you as holier-than-thou and more ehrlich. You should also take care not to give the impression that you think your spouse doesn’t care about what’s right. But you should speak up with confidence, and not apologetically or fearfully. No one should feel intimidated by others to the point that they don’t do what they know is right. In most cases, when you speak with confidence, others will automatically respect you more and be more open to hearing a different opinion.
I’m reminded of a certain lawyer who had a reputation for never losing a case. He was once asked how he did it, and he responded that whenever he enters the courtroom, he reminds himself that the judge is just a human being who can’t harm him, and that there’s no need to be afraid of him. With that frame of mind, he goes into each trial calmly and confidently, and this brings about positive results.
Addressing one’s spouse with confidence isn’t always as easy as it sounds on paper, of course. Whenever a situation arises where one spouse feels intimidated by the other, it’s important to recognize the dynamics that have led to that situation. Here, there seem to be two issues at play.
One is that the husband seems to be attempting to impose his wishes on his wife, and when she tries to protest, he tells her that she is only thinking of herself.
The correct response here is to point out where she’s seeing things differently. It isn’t all that complicated. He wants one thing; she wants another. Each of them has the right to take their own wishes into account. Taking your feelings into account, before making a final decision, is not being selfish. In general, people should think of themselves — as well as of other people. So, in this case, when the husband accuses his wife of “only” thinking of herself, she can clarify, “I’m thinking about myself as well. I want us both to be happy.” No arguing or debating, no proving or retaliating. Just a bit of confidence should do it.
The other issue to be aware of is codependency. While we should try to make others happy and comfortable and be the best we can to those around us, the results aren’t always in our hands. You may not be able to make everyone happy all the time, and frankly, you aren’t obligated to.
Any husband or wife, faced with a situation where their spouse wants them to do something they’re not comfortable with, has to address the situation and not simply give into it. That means being brave about confronting it, but it should never mean that you have to become aggressive or confrontational in any way. You must communicate using gentle terms and in a caring manner to ensure that it doesn’t look like you only care about yourself.
It’s also important to realize that you have different preferences and perhaps different personalities and to express your understanding and consideration. “I understand where you’re coming from, and I realize why this is important to you.” Speak with sensitivity, and speak calmly and gently.
Clarify that you aren’t more right; rather, it’s about your feelings: “I really want to make you happy. I also want to feel happy about the things that I am doing. I’m trying to find the best way to do that, and for me, that means asking a rav for clarity before we decide what to do.”
