Humor

ליקוטי שמואל | June 27, 2025

A Rabbi’s Dozen
A Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal. One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box, and inside he found three eggs and $2000. When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents to him. She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box...
He interrupted, "In 20 years, only three bad sermons? That's not bad."
His wife continued... "and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1."
The Rabbi and the Frog
A Rabbi walks into a bar. He has a long, long grey beard, he's wearing tzitzis, the whole package. And he has a frog on his shoulder.
The bartender asks, "Where did you get that?!"
The frog answers, "Brooklyn, there are lots of them there."
A Deal with the Rabbi
Issy and Howard were brothers disliked by the entire community. They ran a crooked business, they lied, and they cheated the poor. But they were also very, very wealthy.
When Issy died, Howard went to Rabbi Bloom and said, "I will donate one million dollars to the synagogue if at the funeral you say that my brother Issy was a mensch."
The Rabbi thought long and hard but eventually agreed.
When it came time for the funeral, the Rabbi recounted Issy's wrong doings during his eulogy at length. He then closed with the sentence "But, compared to his brother, he was a mensch!"
A Rabbi Walks into a Bar...
Rabbi Epstein was a particularly tenacious clergyman and couldn't stand seeing Jewish people getting drunk. So one day he went into a particular tavern frequented by Jewish patrons.
Rabbi Epstein walks into the pub and sees Stan from shul. "Stan, do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Rabbi."
The Rabbi said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then Rabbi Epstein asked another man he recognized, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Rabbi," was the man's reply.

A Rabbi’s Dozen
A Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal. One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box, and inside he found three eggs and $2000. When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents to him. She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box...
He interrupted, "In 20 years, only three bad sermons? That's not bad."
His wife continued... "and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1."
The Rabbi and the Frog
A Rabbi walks into a bar. He has a long, long grey beard, he's wearing tzitzis, the whole package. And he has a frog on his shoulder.
The bartender asks, "Where did you get that?!"
The frog answers, "Brooklyn, there are lots of them there."
A Deal with the Rabbi
Issy and Howard were brothers disliked by the entire community. They ran a crooked business, they lied, and they cheated the poor. But they were also very, very wealthy.
When Issy died, Howard went to Rabbi Bloom and said, "I will donate one million dollars to the synagogue if at the funeral you say that my brother Issy was a mensch."
The Rabbi thought long and hard but eventually agreed.
When it came time for the funeral, the Rabbi recounted Issy's wrong doings during his eulogy at length. He then closed with the sentence "But, compared to his brother, he was a mensch!"
A Rabbi Walks into a Bar...
Rabbi Epstein was a particularly tenacious clergyman and couldn't stand seeing Jewish people getting drunk. So one day he went into a particular tavern frequented by Jewish patrons.
Rabbi Epstein walks into the pub and sees Stan from shul. "Stan, do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Rabbi."
The Rabbi said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then Rabbi Epstein asked another man he recognized, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Rabbi," was the man's reply.

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ליקוטי שמואל | June 06, 2025