Question: In a recent article, you outlined several expectations from a husband (issue #998). I’m divorced with two kids and in a long-term relationship. Marriage occasionally comes up. While I feel I understand the expectations of a man in marriage, I’m less clear on the expectations of a woman—especially in a second marriage where both partners have children. Honestly, I struggle to see a good reason to get married. It feels like a man takes on many obligations, but I don’t see the same level of responsibility or reciprocity from the woman. What should a husband reasonably expect in return?
Answer: Marriage, at its core, is about both spouses putting the relationship ahead of themselves. The way each does that, however, is different.
From a Torah perspective, the husband is the mashpia—the giver—and the wife is the mekabel—the receiver. While it may seem easier to receive, genuine receiving is a deep and demanding role. It means being open, trusting, accepting and actively drawing out the best in the other person.
Kabbalistically, the husband represents chochma—the initial flash of insight—while the wife represents bina—the ability to expand and develop that spark. A wife, through her role as mekabel, helps her husband uncover and actualize his potential. In doing so, she is very much giving to her husband.
A parable:
Imagine a gardener (the husband) planting a seed. He brings the seed, the tools, and waters it. But without fertile soil (the wife), the seed cannot grow. The soil receives—but it does more than passively accept. It nurtures, transforms, and brings life from what was only potential. The result—growth—is only possible through both roles working together.
So yes, a husband is expected to give—but not without support. A wife is expected to receive in a way that builds, encourages, and reveals her husband’s potential.
In a healthy marriage, especially the second time around, both partners must be committed to putting the marriage first and helping their spouse become their fullest selves. The roles are different, but the responsibility is mutual.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling: www.aharonschmidt.com. *To receive periodic ideas on navigating marriage and personal growth, reach out to [email protected]
