Dear Rabbi Gruen,
I'm writing to you after gaining so much from your lectures. My husband and I have a close, friendly relationship, but I'm struggling with ongoing resentment stemming from the early years of our marriage.
My primary issue revolves around what I see as an imbalance in our responsibilities and his passive approach to life.
I am the main breadwinner, a role that evolved from my husband’s initial years in kollel. These days, he does work but his various ventures don’t bring in all that much money. As for me, while I enjoy my career, I resent the unspoken assumptions that accompany this arrangement, feeling my contribution is taken for granted.
I so badly want him to acknowledge the “luxury” he has to pursue the things he loves doing, leaving the actual financial responsibility on me. I also feel a lack of appreciation for the household tasks I perform, like preparing meals (not always easy given the long hours I work), and I get so frustrated by his resistance to simple requests, such as setting the table, and the way he often dismisses my feelings about it.
Furthermore, his helpless attitude towards problem-solving means that I have to take care of pretty much everything. It’s always me taking the initiative in addressing things that affect the whole family, always me feeling solely responsible and left longing to be “taken care of” once in a while. While he does help around the house, it's on his terms, and over the years he’s helped less and less. He also often delegates tasks to the children instead of making sure they get done. His procrastination further reinforces my feeling of being unable to depend on him. I feel I am the one who is proactive in our lives. I recognized this trait before we married, but I underestimated how much it would bother me.
I find it very hard to communicate these feelings constructively, which means that every so often, I “explode.” But even when I express my concerns calmly, I worry that I’m making a big deal out of things, especially since he doesn’t usually complain about things (likely due to his passive nature).
I also worry about our future, envisioning him taking a passive role in important decisions, like our children's weddings. He’ll often joke that he’s “useless,” but to me that feels like something he does to avoid responsibility. I don’t want to mother him; I want a partnership where he feels responsible for our family’s well-being.
Given that I can’t change him, how can I shift my perspective, address these resentments, and move forward in a healthier way?
Thank you
