While I’d never suggest giving your husband this letter or my response to it, there are many men who would do well to read them both. This letter describes a situation that isn’t all that uncommon.
When a man gets married, he accepts upon himself the responsibilities outlined in the kesubah, all of which involve caring and providing for his wife and family. Regardless of whether he goes to learn in kollel or out to work, these responsibilities remain. A man who treats them lightly, or worse, feels exempt, is violating his commitments and jeopardizing his shalom bayis.
Of course there are exceptions to the rule, and depending upon the circumstances and the personalities involved, there may be all kinds of variations on the “norm.” As a matter of fact, all variations are fine as long as everyone involved is happy with them. That said, underpinning every marriage should be a husband and father who accepts upon himself the responsibility of the home in its broadest sense. While the details may vary from home to home, this basic understanding should be agreed upon and accepted.
The absence of such an understanding naturally leads to resentment, even in marriages where the husband is the primary breadwinner and the wife is the homemaker. This is usually because problems stem not from imbalance per se (one spouse doing more than the other), but from differences in perspective and personality that contribute to this outcome. Based on the patterns you describe, it seems likely that part of your situation is due to personality differences. Learning to work with those differences rather than fighting against them is key.
While it could certainly be true that you are quite similar to your husband in many ways, it does still appear that you have certain abilities and strengths that he doesn’t manifest. You are able to find solutions to problems and make hard decisions, whereas he finds that very challenging. This is a normal phenomenon in families, and even in broader settings such as communities or extended family — one almost always finds at least one person who is more capable and reliable than the others, and inevitably, those others end up leaning on them. It’s not always easy to be that person, but someone who possesses gifts that others don’t share can perhaps learn to see this as a blessing.
At the same time, anyone exhausted by an overwhelming amount of responsibility will probably need to vent from time to time, and that’s fine, as long as it’s done in a healthy way, without saying things that you’ll regret (and be unable to take back) later. I often suggest that people preface venting with something like, “I’m just feeling overwhelmed right now and need to get some stuff off my chest. This is not about you, and I’m not even looking for an answer or solution.”
Your words will generally be taken better if the person on the receiving end knows that you don’t mean to imply anything about them, and that they don’t have to fumble to come up with a magic solution. It’s a shame when the one venting and the one being vented at misunderstand the purpose of what they’re doing. Too often, comments such as, “I feel like I’m falling apart” are heard as, “Why aren’t you helping me?” and are followed by, “Why don’t you answer me? Do you really not care?” If you’re looking for caring, venting isn’t the way to go about it. Get your feelings off your chest, thank your spouse for listening, and then, at another time, simply ask for what you need and tell your husband how much it will mean if he could do it, and how it will help you feel how much he cares about you.
You certainly should look for things that he can do to show caring, and ask for his help, often. Right now, you both seem to be stuck in a rut where you pick up the slack and he refers to himself as useless. It's commendable that despite your resentment, you are still able to see your husband’s unique contribution to the world and admire him for it. However, it’s clear that you want him to contribute to your family specifically, so make sure that you are giving him opportunities where he can do so. Maybe his “joking” about feeling useless is not in fact a joke at all; perhaps he truly feels useless, having a wife who takes care of everything whereas he feels incapable. You might do well to exercise some ingenuity and find ways where he can become useful, and where you can give him encouragement and appreciation when he steps forward.
Meanwhile, as regards all the things you do in his place, even if it were true that you are more of a doer by nature (something you deny), that still doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve a great deal of appreciation and respect for taking so much of the load off your husband’s shoulders, and you are right to ask your husband to give you that appreciation. If it helps, that’s wonderful. If you still don’t get all the appreciation you feel you deserve or need, then you can either dwell on that forever or try something else.
What I mean by “something else” is reaching a level of acceptance with the situation — acknowledging what might not change and making a conscious decision to live with it and stop trying to change it. So much resentment stems from hope for change that doesn't occur and the disappointment of failed expectations, time and again. It’s possible that you want something that your husband simply can’t give, but sometimes, you’ll be able to get it from others who recognize all that you’re doing. You can also give yourself the respect you deserve. It truly can help if you simply tell yourself how much you are doing and remind yourself why.
Much of the above is based on the assumption that things can’t change very much. In some marriages, however, one solution to this kind of problem can be for the wife to step back a little and stop picking up the slack so much. That’s not as easy as it might sound, because it can take time and a lot of patience before the husband steps into the breach, after what is often years of him being accustomed to having everything taken care of for him. But I often quip that some people only do what they have to when they have to, and helping someone have to often helps everyone.
In your situation, I’m not sure that your shalom bayis would improve if you were to give up your job, especially as you freely admit that you enjoy your career. What you could do is discuss finances in a general sense with your husband, suggesting that you start to set aside a certain amount each month for marrying off your children. That may or may not involve him committing to bringing in more money himself, so that you are actually able to set that sum aside.
Before you implement any of these suggestions, however, it’s vital to be realistic about your expectations, because personalities don’t generally change. While small changes can and do happen, and skills can be learned and acquired, it’s very rare for a passive person to become proactive or vice versa, and so forth. Your husband may never do all the things you’d like him to do, and may never verbalize appreciation in the way you’d like to hear it. But accepting his limitations very often opens the door to seeing his contribution in a new light and understanding the language he uses when he tries to express his feelings.
Accepting his nature doesn’t mean that you need to bury your feelings. Addressing issues is always better than letting resentment build up only to explode. But unless communication is done properly, it’s often better not done at all.
Finding the right way to communicate can truly alter situations that have proved frustrating for years, and even decades. It’s hard to break established patterns and one also needs a great deal of patience and consistency, because real change doesn’t happen overnight. But Hashem gave us all the wonderful, special gift of speech to use to slowly create new realities; when we daven for siyatta diShmaya, He will surely help us to build homes full of holy communication.
