1- A lady calls the Mount Sinai Funeral Home. “Hello, this is Esther Goldberg. My husband passed this morning. Please come and pick him up.”
“Oh, but Mrs. Goldberg,” the funeral director replies, “we buried your husband last year.”
“Yes, I remarried.”
“Oh, Mazel Tov!”
2- A guy goes to see his psychiatrist. “Doctor, I had the weirdest dream. I was talking to my mother, but she had your face! I was so freaked out, I couldn’t get back to sleep. I tossed and turned all night. Finally, I got up at seven o’clock, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee, and then came right over here. Doctor, what do you think the dream means?”
The doctor is quiet for a long moment and then she says, “A slice of toast and some coffee? You call that a breakfast?”
3- A rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president are flying to a conference when their plane crashes and they’re captured by cannibals. The cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you and then we’re going to eat you, but first, we’ll give each of you one final wish.”
The synagogue president says, “I’ve been working on my speech for the building fund for months. It’s an hour long. I’d like to deliver that before I die.”
The rabbi says, “I’ve been working on my sermon for Rosh Hashanah for months. It’s two hours long. I’d like to deliver that before I die.”
The cantor says, “Kill me first.”
4- The wealthy Morty Greenbaum shows up at the country club with his new wife, a beautiful woman half his age.
His buddies are very impressed and later they ask him how he got such a gorgeous young wife.
“I lied about my age,” Morty confesses.
They ask, “Did you tell her you were fifty?”
“No,” replies Morty. “I told her I was ninety.”
