While this is a painful situation and while the only information I have is what is provided here, I feel it’s well worth addressing this incident, to ensure that people are aware that such situations do occur. Parents need to know that these things happen and that if they hear anything similar to this story from a child, it needs to be addressed and not shoved under the rug with the assumption that it can’t possibly be true. As for school administrations, they too need to know that such cases must not be overlooked or brushed under the carpet. They should be dealt with competently and courageously.
Question
Dear Rabbi Gruen,
I have a dilemma with one of my children, as I know that parents have a tendency to react emotionally when it comes to their own children and it’s hard to know what’s the right approach to take.
My son recently came home from cheider with a black-and-blue mark on his chin. I asked him about it and he shrugged it off. I asked another few times and when he refused to reply I gave up. But a week or two passed and then he came home really upset over a few things that had happened in class, and it all spilled out — how the black-and-blue mark had been made by the menahel.
My son had been due to give a small presentation in class and while he was preparing it, another boy started pestering him and wouldn’t stop, and then he hit him really hard. My son was so upset, and just then the rebbi came into class and he asked the rebbi for permission to go and phone his parents.
The rebbi said no, and my son was so upset that he ran out of the classroom. The rebbi went after him and told him to go to the menahel for disobeying him. I don’t have any complaints against the rebbi as he has to deal with a large class and it can be hard to maintain discipline.
Anyway, my son went to the menahel but he was so upset that he couldn’t speak. The menahel didn’t try to calm him down or wait till he pulled himself together. He just pinched him really hard “for being chutzpadig.”
Once my son had told me all of this, I asked him why he didn’t tell me right away and he said, “Because I knew you wouldn’t do anything anyway.” That upset me more than anything. I do try to support my kids, but I also try to defend the cheider as well, and help my children see the other point of view and realize that it’s hard to maintain discipline in class. So it seems I got the balance wrong.
I told my son that when anyone hurts him or mistreats him, of course I will take action. And I did — I approached the hanhalah and told them what happened, but their response was really disappointing. They said that the menahel “is much better than he used to be.” They also said that they would raise the issue with the menahel and get back to me and my husband, but they haven’t been in touch since.
My husband and I feel that after so many years in the cheider, if the menahel is still behaving like this to a boy who he knows is usually well-behaved, then maybe he’s in the wrong job. My son is traumatized and really hates the menahel now, especially as he sees him behaving in a similarly nasty way with other boys too.
What should I do? Should I ask for another meeting with the hanhalah? Or should I just let it go? I want to make sure that this doesn’t happen again. I really don’t believe that Hashem wants a menahel to behave in such a way.
Thank you
