Children and Mitzvos - 3

Chinuch of Children for Mitzvos

Some Principles

1. In a previous issue in the series, we cited some principles of parents' mitzva of chinuch to train their children to fulfill mitzvos asei (par. 19) — even d'rabanan mitzvos (13)—and to prevent them from violating issurim (31), and certainly not to place issurim into their hands for them to violate due to the "issur of feeding" ["איסור ספייה" (24)].
2. We cited different ages for the average child. The issur to actively feed a child something assur applies even to a day-old infant (ibid.). The chiyuv to prevent children from doing issurim applies from the age of three (ibid.). And the chiyuv to train them to perform mitzvos is from six years old, which is approximately the age when they begin to understand a mitzva and how to do it (21).
3. In the last issue (388), we discussed the chiyuvim of chinuch regarding various aspects of the mitzvos of Shabbos, e.g., the chiyuv of chinuch in the mitzva of kiddush (ibid., 4) and havdala (7); the halachos of carrying (16); using a child to do melacha (25), such as having a baby turn a light on (29) or a fridge that the light was mistakenly left on (34); and turning on a baby intercom before Shabbos (38).
4. The current issue will focus on additional mitzvos that occur throughout the day and year. At the end, we will discuss effective methods of chinuch "בעזה" .

Krias Shema

The Mitzva of Krias Shema

1. The mitzva of Krias Shema is a mitzvas asei d'Oraisa every morning and evening, while the brachos are d'Rabanan. We will set forth specific halachos regarding the mitzva of chinuch at various ages.
2. Three to six. A child between the age of three and six who is able to speak has not yet reached the age of chinuch. Although the mitzva of chinuch to properly fulfill mitzvos does not apply to him, his father has a mitzva to teach him to say the first pasuk of Krias Shema in the morning and evening, even if it is not at the proper time for Krias Shema (גמ' סוכה דף מ"ב ע"א, מ"ב סי' ק"ז).
3. Six to twelve. A child is considered chinuch-aged from six years old, based on his intelligence. However, there is a machlokes Rishonim whether his father is chayav in chinuch for Krias Shema. Some say the father is patur from chinuch in the mitzva of Krias Shema. The reason is that the mitzva of Krias Shema is subject to fulfilling it at the specific times of "שכיבה" and "קימה." Since the father is not near his son at those times, he was not obligated in chinuch for this mitzva (שי' רש"י ברכות דף כ' ע"א ד"ה קטנים).
4. Others say once the boy reaches the age of chinuch, his father must give him chinuch in the mitzva of Krias Shema at its proper time, just like other mitzvos (שי' ר"ת תוס' שם ד"ה וקטנים).
5. The Mechaber rules that strictly speaking, it makes sense he is patur (כשי' רש"י הנ"ל, שו"ע סי' ע' ס"ב, הגר"א ד"ה ולר"ת, מ"ב שם סק"ט), but it is proper for a father to treat himself as chayav to give his son chinuch for Krias Shema (שו"ע שם, רמב"ם פ"ד קר"ש ה). Thus, it is proper for a father to train his son from the age of six to say Krias Shema at the proper time, with an understanding of the meaning of the words, at least for the first pasuk. When a child gets used to this from a young age, it will be easier for him to be careful about it when he gets older by force of habit.
6. Twelve to thirteen. All poskim agree a father of a boy between twelve and thirteen must train his son to say Krias Shema properly and with precision just like a gadol (ב"ח הובא במ"ב ס"ח).
7. Thirteen and up. A father is not chayav in the mitzva of chinuch for a son who is a gadol (see Issue 387, par. 39). However, the son has a personal chiyuv to fulfill all mitzvos, like all other people above bar/bas mitzva. Thus, his father must encourage him and help him fulfill mitzvos, but it is not in the category of a chiyuv.
8. Therefore, a father may wake his gadol son up to remind him to say Krias Shema before the zman passes. Nevertheless, the father does not need to battle his son and force him out of bed if the son is unwilling, unless the son asked his father in advance to do so, as the father is not responsible for his gadol son's fulfillment of mitzvos any more than any other person.

Krias Shema al Hamita

1. It is correct and proper to train children to say Krias Shema al Hamita every night before going to sleep. This will have a great benefit for their yiras Shamayim (בן איש חי ש"ב כי תצא אות כ"ב, כף החיים להגר"ח פלאגי סי' ב' ס"ד).

Halachos of Basar b'Chalav

Waiting After Eating Fleishigs

1. Under three. Children under three do not need to wait after eating fleishigs to eat milchigs, as they do not have understanding. It is enough for them to rinse their mouths or take a drink to clean their mouths after eating fleishigs. Thus, if a small child eats fleishigs, e.g., schnitzel or cholent, and then wants a bottle of milk after he does not want to eat anymore, he may do so after drinking a bit of water or the like.
2. Feeding ["ספייה"]. Similarly, parents may even give their child the bottle to drink. This does not constitute the issur of feeding a child issur as milk itself is not assur. The timing is the issue, as one should not have milchigs within six hours, and in such a case, there is no issur to feed a child (see Issue 388, par. 6).
3. Three and up. When a child is old enough for chinuch to wait between fleishigs and milchigs after learning about the concept in preschool, but does not properly grasp the amount of time, he may suffice with waiting a bit such that it is clear to him we do not eat milchigs immediately after fleishigs. The amount of time to wait increases with their conception and appreciation of time. From three to four, a half hour is enough. From four to five, an hour. From five to nine, an amount of time generally accepted as a break between meals, which is about four hours.
4. From nine and up. A child must wait six hours in accordance with his family minhag. However, a weak or sickly child who needs milk for his health or the like may suffice with waiting one hour.

The Month of Tishrei

1. A child old enough for chinuch in the mitzva of shofar, i.e., he can listen and fulfill the mitzva of hearing the sound of the shofar—each child according to his understanding and intelligence [about six years old]—should receive chinuch to hear the shofar blasts (גמ' ר"ה לג:, רמבם פי"א נחלות ה"י, מקראי קודש כ' בשם האדר"ת, רמ"א סי' תקצ"ו). He should at least hear the "tekios d'meyushav" blown before Mussaf, but he does not need to hear all hundred blasts.
2. Very young. Even before this age, a child may be brought to shul to listen so that he develops love for the mitzva after learning about it in cheder or preschool. However, one must warn him and make sure he will not disrupt the shofar blowing. He must be able to be quiet the entire time so he does not prevent others from being yotzei their mitzva (מ"ב סי' תקפ"ז סט"ז).
3. Eating before shofar. Although one may not eat before hearing the shofar [only someone in a pressing situation or a choleh may have a snack (מטה אפרים סי' תקפ"ח ס"ב)], children may eat l'chatchila before shofar, as that is something they need.

Yom Kippur Fast

1. Strictly speaking. Children under nine should be prevented from fasting, even for an hour longer than usual, as doing so can be dangerous (שו"ע סי' תרט"ז ס"ב). However, they may fast at night from the age of six if they want to. That is not called a partial fast since they ate a meal shortly before the night. An exception is if they are very hungry or thirsty (הגריש"א, אשרי איש ח"ג פכ"ג אות א').
2. Minhag. However, if a boy or girl wants to fast and is capable of it, the general custom is to allow them to delay their meals and fast for several hours, depending on their age and strength (בוטשאטש).
3. Issur to feed. There is no issur to actively feed a child on Yom Kippur for multiple reasons. It is something a child needs, and Chazal did not give a limit to this (ר"ת ספר הישר סי' נ"ב); the food is not inherently assur—the issue is with the time—so the issur to feed does not apply (מג"א סי' רס"ט סק"א, שו"ע הרב שם ס"ג) and Chazal were not machmir regarding things children need.
4. Children nine and up fast for some hours based on their age and strength. However, nowadays they do not need to complete the fast. They only do that once they are gedolim, i.e., thirteen for a boy and twelve for a girl (רמ"א שם, מ"ב סי' תרט"ז סק"ט).

Mitzva of Sukkah

1. Eating. A father must train his chinuch-aged son to fulfill the mitzva of sukkah. The age of chinuch for sukkah is when a child does not need his mother (שו"ע סי' תר"מ ס"ב), i.e., when he wakes up from sleeping, instead of calling, "Mommy, Mommy" he calls her once and is quiet until she comes (גמ' סוכה דף כ"ח ע"ב). This is approximately five years old, which is younger than the regular age of chinuch for other mitzvos (רמב"ם פ"ו סוכה ה"א, שו"ע תר"מ ס"א).
2. Thus, if his father sees him eating or sleeping outside the sukkah in a case where according to halacha he must be in the sukkah, e.g., he is eating a food made from one of the five grains, the father must encourage him to enter the sukkah to train him to do mitzvos (שו"ע הרב סי' תר"מ ס"ד).
3. Feeding. Due to the issur of feeding a child something assur, no one may actively feed outside the sukkah a child who has reached chinuch age for the mitzva of sukkah (מג"א סי' תר"מ סק"ג). One may place food in front of him even if he will eat it on his own outside the sukkah, but his father must still encourage him to enter the sukkah, as mentioned. [Some hold this is not the regular issur d'Oraisa of feeding a child something assur; rather, the idea is that feeding a child outside the sukkah negates the son's chinuch (מו"ר בס' חנוך לנער פ"ו הערה ב', הע' ט"ו, פכ"ד הע' ד')].
4. Sleeping in the sukkah. A father must also train his chinuch-aged son to sleep in the sukkah. However, in cold climates or if a child is sensitive to the cold or weak, he is not chayav to sleep in the sukkah. Obviously the father must set a personal example by sleeping in the sukkah if he is not halachically exempt. A father cannot demand his young son sleep in the sukkah while not fulfilling his own chiyuv...
5. Multiple children. If one has multiple children and there is not enough room for all of them in the sukkah, the older son likely has precedence over the younger son. L'chatchila though, a father must certainly ensure before Yom Tov that there will be enough room in the sukkah for everyone to fulfill his mitzva of his children's chinuch.
6. Gadol son, katan son. If a father only has room for one in the sukkah, who takes precedence: his gadol son or his chinuch-aged katan son? Some say the katan takes precedence, as his chiyuv is incumbent on the father, as opposed to the gadol son, whose chiyuv is on himself, not his father (הגריש"א, הגר"ח קנייבסקי). However, others hold the gadol son takes precedence. Although the chiyuv is not on the father, he must still see to it that his gadol sons can fulfill their mitzva due to the concept of "arvus," as their chiyuv is d'Oraisa, particularly when they are still dependent on their father for their needs and sustenance ["סומכים על שלחן אביהם" (הגר"נ קרליץ, מו"ר הגרי"י בלויא)].

The Effective Method of Chinuch

"Even When He Is Old"

1. We must contemplate the main goal of the mitzva of chinuch in mitzva performance Chazal imposed on a father. The goal is not just for the son to practically perform the mitzvos while he is a child under his father's authority, as forcing a child to do mitzvos in the presence of this father does not demonstrate the core of chinuch; a father is physically stronger than his young son, and it is the son's fear of his father that is motivating him. Rather, the goal and deeper perspective of chinuch is clearly to get a child to a place where, even when his father is not present and even after he grows up and leaves his father's authority, he himself will want to fulfill mitzvos and connect to them, and he will have the strength and independence to choose the good and to choose life, not evil, as the pasuk says "ובחרת בחיים" (פ' נצבים ל', י"ט) (כתב סופר עה"ת פ' עקב עה"פ ולמדתם אותם את בניכם).

"According to His Way"

1. Moreover, a father must internalize that the mitzva of chinuch is not there for him to project his personal path onto his son. Rather, he must direct his son on the Torah path in accordance with his unique qualities and personality. This is precisely the deeper intent of Shlomo Hamelech—the wisest of all men—when he wrote "חֲנֹךְ לַנַּעַר עַל כִּי דַרְכּוֹ גַּם כִּי יַזְקִין לֹא יָסוּר מִמֶּנָּה" (משלי כ"ב, ו'). This means that chinuch must be given "according to his way," i.e., based on each child's unique temperament, strengths, and character, and in such a way that it will last for many years, through the son's old age—long after he becomes independent and no longer has fear of his father. Therefore, a father may not place himself, his desires, or his image at the operational core of his chinuch. Instead, the only thing he should focus on is what Hashem wants and his son's personal spiritual wellbeing.
2. Two paths. Therefore, when a father faces different methods of motivating his son to perform mitzvos, he must make a thorough calculation and choose the method that will implant in his son the desire and self-will to do the mitzva when he is alone. My heart tells me that if a father employs force, coercion, and anger out of a desire to bend his son toward his own path, it is likely to cause the opposite result. The son will loathe the mitzva and develop distance and dislike toward it, and the moment he is out of his father's authority, he will abandon it.
3. However, if a father acts with pleasantness, he will give his son chinuch through encouragement, elevation, and explanation of the importance and sweetness of a mitzva, according to the level of the child. Then, the son will receive eternal spiritual gain. In this manner, there is a high likelihood that even when he is not in his father's presence, he will continue to keep Torah and mitzvos out of his positive desire to do so. Only when a father utilizes this pure advice and plan and disregards his ego for the sake of his son's avodas Hashem will he be zocheh to attain true and complete fulfillment of the mitzva of chinuch (חובת התלמידים).

Methods of Chinuch for a Child's Behavior

1. Chinuch is divided into two central areas. Chinuch in mitzva performance and avodas Hashem requires an approach based solely on pleasant ways, encouragement, and personalization "according to his way" (see above, 32). Coercion in spiritual matters is likely to be counterproductive. In contrast, for chinuch in day-to-day behavior, derech eretz, and keeping to structured boundaries, a combination of firm authority and clear boundary-setting is necessary to give a child stability and an internal sense of being grounded. This balanced synthesis of love especially in mitzva matters and necessary discipline for behavior creates a complete and stable chinuch foundation.
2. Force of authority and closeness. A major principle for chinuch of children in our generation is to tread the path of kindness and pleasantness, as the pasuk says "דרכיה דרכי נועם" (משלי ג, יז). However, a parent or teacher may not, chalila, abandon his role and cast off the responsibility of authority and discipline. As the wisest of all men said, "One who spares his rod hates his child, while one who loves him disciplines him early" (משלי יג, כד).
3. Chazal conveyed an important rule to us (סוטה דף מ"ז ע"א): "One should always push away with the left hand and bring near with the right hand." "Bringing near with the right hand" is the obligation to show love and closeness to the child, whereas "pushing away with the left hand" refers to the hand of discipline, setting boundaries, and derech eretz. When there are no clear boundaries and a father does not demonstrate firm guidance, the roles reverse and the child rules over the parents. This dynamic destroys a person and creates deep confusion in the heart of the child, who seeks strong support to rely on.
4. This idea appears in the Medrash (שמות רבה א, א): "When one disciplines his son, the son has increased love for his father and respects him." A child's acceptance of discipline does not come from catering to him. It comes from giving him consistent, firm discipline. Just as the Rambam writes (הלכות דעות פ"ד) one should adopt a middle approach, in chinuch too one should lead with firmness and gentleness together. One should not act out of personal anger, chalila, but with concern and dignity.