On the receiving end
It is customary that when marrying off daughters one gives a larger sum of money than when marrying off sons. My question is: Is it proper to say that I am not giving a larger sum for my daughter’s marriage and that I will trust in Hashem that she will find a proper zivug quickly nonetheless? Or perhaps, if I’m already relying on bitachon, I should commit myself to a large sum and trust that Hashem will give me the sum that I committed to?
—A.S. from Bnei Brak
Q #71
The shiurim of Harav Shneebalg are delivered weekly in Yiddish and Hebrew alternatively. Dial 2 then 3 (after language preference)
Bitachon is not imagination
Rav Yishai Meiselman from Holon: Each person needs to know his own level. If he is not on this level, how could he commit himself? It seems that if he strengthens himself in bitachon he can go ahead and commit to a larger sum, and he will certainly be zocheh to see Hashem’s yeshuah with his own eyes. One test of whether he truly has bitachon is this: If the mechutan does not have the sum that is demanded of him but would say that he trusts that Hashem will bring him that sum, would the questioner still close the shidduch on the basis of “promises,” or would he cancel it until there was a strong financial base for the monetary commitments?
Rav Aharon Beifus from Rechasim: The whole process of shidduchim is unnatural, and therefore you have to do as everyone does, each one in his community, and not be the exception. For this is the rule: Hakadosh Baruch Hu gives everyone his needs according to that person’s circumstances. Therefore, if you belong to this community, it’s a sign that Hakadosh Baruch Hu brought you there, and therefore you can trust in Hashem that you’ll receive all your needs according to the community’s minhag. And this is the instruction of gedolei hador: “to do as is the minhag hamakom.”
Rav Baruch Shag from Yerushalayim: We find in the Gemara that one should give one’s daughter a dowry and possessions so that people will want to marry her (see Kesubos 52b), and this is especially true if we are talking about a shidduch with a talmid chacham (see Pesachim 49b, and Rambam, De’os 6:2). Therefore, a person should commit to giving his daughters whatever is acceptable and trust that Hashem will fulfill all his needs.
Rav Avraham Branhut from Bnei Brak: From the wording of your question, it seems that you trust that Hashem will bring you an appropriate shidduch without your having extra expenses, but you do not have bitachon that He will give you the money to give what is customary. If indeed this is the case, then certainly this is what you should do, because there is a fundamental rule that each person has to act according to his level of bitachon.
Rav Eliyahu Sirkis from Bnei Brak: It is known that desirable hishtadlus depends on what a person’s needs are. As the Derech Mitzvosecha teaches (ma’amar mitzvas giluach metzora), the amount that a person needs includes [not only money but] anything a person needs in his life. So regarding your question, if this is the custom, then that is what you need to do.
Rav Noach Gad Weintraub from Kiryat Gat: We find in Chazal that the greatest mitzvah in doing chessed is hachnasas kallah. Hakadosh Baruch Hu chose a father to be a type of gabbai tzedakah in marrying off his daughter, so that he is obligated to exert himself according to his abilities in this vital mitzvah. If he needs to commit to a sum that is beyond his ability to provide, he should seek advice from his rav.
Hakadosh Baruch Hu Makes Zivugim
Rav Yehuda Gewirtzman from Beit Shemesh: In the parshah of marrying off children, one cannot move forward without middas habitachon. If we choose not to commit to a larger sum, we need bitachon to trust that the right shidduch will be found. If we commit to a larger sum, we needs bitachon regarding finances. Every person has the choice to make about where to place his bitachon.
Rav Asaf Nassan from Petach Tikvah: Although from the words of Chazal and the Rishonim it seems that a person should give his daughter only a small amount (see Shulchan Aruch, Even Ha’ezer 58:1), nonetheless, since this matter [of giving large amounts] has become ingrained in some communities within Am Yisrael, one should not veer from it, and there is a basis to justify it. However, regarding giving one’s daughter more than one’s ability to provide – this does not seem to be the correct approach.
Rav Zev Aryeh Shtiglitz from Bnei Brak: Many good Yidden have the custom not to spend too much on the marriage of their offspring, and they trust in Hashem that he will send them the suitable zivug that is prepared for them. If someone genuinely trusts in this way, Hakadosh Baruch Hu will help him.
Rav Amram Ben Dahan from Yerushalayim: A person should not put himself in debt unless he knows how he will repay the debt. Nonetheless, he should give a dowry according to his ability and trust in Hashem for the rest. Just as he thought to commit to a large sum and trust in Hashem, in the same way, he should trust that Hashem will send him a proper zivug even for a smaller sum. Hakadosh Baruch Hu makes zivugim.
Question for an Upcoming Newsletter:
I am an avreich kollel, and in the kollel where I learn there are many bonuses offered, beyond the standard stipend, for a variety of commitments. For example, there is a framework for learning before and after sedarim, there are tests, saying Tehillim for the success of the sponsors, and many other opportunities. I sometimes feel that keeping to all the conditions interferes with my peace of mind, and not always are these commitments considered as learning “that which his heart desires.” Is it part of the obligation of hishtadlus to take advantage of these opportunities, or is it enough that I learn in kollel during the regular sedarim, and the rest of the time I learn things that I want to learn?
—D.Y. from Ashdod
