Is It Permissible for a Husband to Travel to Uman for Rosh Hashanah, and to Leave His Wife at Home Alone Over Yom Tov?

Question: Reuven wants to travel to Uman to daven there over Rosh Hashanah as he feels that the levels of ruchniyus that he manages to attain there can't be matched anywhere else in the world. However, when he told his wife, she objected, saying she does not want to remain alone whilst her husband goes away, and certainly not over Rosh Hashanah. The question is: Is Reuven obligated to listen to her?

Answer: According to the Rema, generally a man may not leave his wife alone, as it is degrading for her. However, if the husband travels for a good reason - such as to learn Torah or to strengthen himself in serving Hashem then he may go even without her permission. Therefore, in our case, since Reuven wants to travel to Uman for spiritual reasons it would seem that he may do so. (Obviously, he must first consult his shalom bayis mentor to ensure that making such a trip won't harm his shalom bayis.)

To understand this answer better, we must examine four different points:

1. When may a man travel and leave his wife at home alone (providing he fulfills his obligation of onah)?
2. When is a man obligated to eat together with his wife?
3. At a time when a husband is obligated to eat with his wife, is it permissible for him to cancel his obligation if he has a good reason to do so?
4. Is there a special obligation to eat with one's wife on Shabbos, Yom Tov, and on the night they perform the mitzvah of onah?

When May a Husband Leaves His Wife and When Does He Need to Ask Permission?

The Mishnah in Kesubos (64b) teaches:

המשרה את אשתו על ידי שליש לא יפחות לה משני קבין חטין, או מארבעה קבין שעורין וכו'

"One who supports his wife through a third party must not give her less than two kav of wheat or four kav of barley etc." Rashi explains that the husband gives food to a third party and he instructs the third party to feed her.

From the fact that the Mishnah permits feeding one's wife through a third party, it is implicit that a husband does not need to live with her. So rules the Rambam (Hilchos Ishus 12:12) and the Shulchan Aruch (E.H. 70:2).

However, there seems to be a dispute about this point. The Yerushalmi (Kesubos 7:1) says:

רשות ביד האשה לומר אי איפשי להתפרנס מאחר אלא מבעלי והתנינן המשרה את אשתו על ידי שליש כאן בשקיבלה עליה וכאן בשלא קיבלה עליה.

"A woman may say: I do not want to be supported by another, only by my husband. But surely the Mishnah says “One who supports his wife through a third party" which seems to imply a husband may appoint someone else to support his wife? There is no contradiction, the Mishnah is talking about when she accepted it upon herself, whereas here we are talking about when she didn't accept it upon herself."

From the Yerushalmi it appears that a man may not leave his wife alone unless she gives permission. The Rema (E.H. 70:2) rules accordingly and says, “a husband may not tell his wife to eat alone unless she willingly accepts to do so."

The case of the husband traveling to Uman would seemingly depend on the dispute between the Shulchan Aruch and the Rema. According to the Shulchan Aruch, a man may leave his wife alone and tell her to eat by herself, therefore, certainly he may travel to Uman for Rosh Hashanah to daven in a place where his heart desires. But according to the Rema, it would seem that since in our case the wife doesn't let, he wouldn't be allowed to go.

However, the Shu”t Rashba (Teshuvos attributed to the Ramban, siman 104) writes:

ומסתברא מתני' במי שיוצא ממקומו ללמוד או בפועל היוצא למלאכתו וכן פי' הראב"ד ז"ל. דאילו במשרה אשתו לעצמה בבדי או ברוע לב גנאי הוא לה, ומתבזה בכך בין שכנותיה, מה יאמרו הבריות מה ראתה להתרחק משלחן הבעל.

"The Mishnah refers to one who leaves his home to learn or a worker who leaves for his labor. So explains the Ra'avad. But one who leaves his wife alone for no good reason or out of cruelty, is degrading her, and she becomes disgraced by it. People will say, why are they not sticking together.”

We see from the Rashba that although one may not leave his wife alone without permission, it is permitted if he leaves in order to learn Torah or for labor.

The Pnei Moshe (on the Yerushalmi) writes:

גנאי הוא לי ואי איפשי להתפרנס מאחר אלא מבעלי וכו'

"It is degrading for me, and I don't want to be looked after by anyone except my husband etc."

According to the Pnei Moshe the issue for a husband to leave his wife is because it is degrading, therefore, it would seem that if the husband has a good reason for traveling, it is not degrading to her and would therefore be permitted.

What About Shabbos?

So far, we mentioned the first part of the Mishnah from which it is clear that a husband may sometimes leave his wife. However, this is during the week, however, seemingly when it comes to Shabbos and Yom Tov it is forbidden for a husband to leave his wife.

The Mishnah continues:

ואוכלת עמו מלילי שבת ללילי שבת.

"She eats with him from Shabbos night to Shabbos night."

There is a dispute amongst the Amoraim (65b) what the Mishnah means when it says: ואוכלת עמו – “eat with him". Rav Nachman learns that it means literally eating together. Whereas Rav Ashi understands that it refers to marital relations.

The Ramban explains that the purpose of eating together is connected to the mitzvah of onah. If they eat in separate places it is degrading for her to come over to his house after she eats just for onah, however, if they eat together in the same place, it is much easier for them to be together for onah. Additionally, by eating together they appease each other and get to know each other better.

However, from the Rambam it appears that eating together on Shabbos is a standalone obligation and is not connected to the mitzvah of onah. The Rambam writes (Hilchos Ishus 12:12):

בעל שרצה ליתן לאשתו מזונותיה הראויות לה ותהיה אוכלת ושותה לעצמה והוא אוכל ושותה לעצמו הרשות בידו ובלבד שיאכל עמה מלילי שבת ללילי שבת.

"A husband who wants to give his wife her food and she eats alone while he eats alone — he may do so, as long as he eats with her from Shabbos night to Shabbos night."

The Tashbetz (Vol. 2, siman 259) also seems to learn the Rambam like this. He writes:

ופסקו הרי"ף ז"ל והרמב"ם ז"ל כמאן דאמר אכילה ממש שחייב לאכול עמה ליל שבת מפני כבוד השבת.

"The Rif and Rambam pasken like the opinion who holds that the husband must literally eat with his wife, the reason for this is due to honor of Shabbos”.

Practical Difference

Seemingly a practical difference between the Rambam and Ramban would be our case of the husband going to Uman for Rosh Hashanah. If the obligation is connected to the obligation of onah like the opinion of the Ramban, then on Rosh Hashanah — when marital relations are not practiced unless it is mikveh night — the husband wouldn't be obligated to remain home for Rosh Hashanah. However, if the obligation for a husband to eat Shabbos meals and Yom Tov meals with his wife is a standalone obligation like the opinion of the Rambam, then perhaps he would be obligated to stay home to eat the Rosh Hashanah meals together with his wife. Tzorich iyun.

Some Additional Points

R' Doniel Travis shlita discussed this question with R' Zafrani shlita and he added, that a woman who marries a Breslover chassid cannot prevent him from traveling to Uman on Rosh Hashanah, since it is well known that Breslover's travel there and it is like she accepted this at the time of marriage.

This is similar to the Chasam Sofer (Y.D. 149), who writes that a woman who marries a talmid chacham accepts all his stringencies.

Another worthy point is, there may be a big distinction between a wife who has family in town and a wife who doesn't. If the wife is able to simply return home to her parents for Rosh Hashanah, it is much easier to leave her for Rosh Hashanah than if she will be left all alone.

What If It Is Shonah Rishonah?

If this story would happen during shonah rishonah [the first year of marriage] would it make a difference?

The Sefer HaChinuch (Mitzvah 582) writes: A chosan is commanded to rejoice with his wife for one year. Meaning: He shouldn't leave the city to go out to fight in war, or for any other matters, for a number of days. Rather, he should sit with her an entire year starting from the day of marriage. About this the pasuk says "he should be free at home for one year and make happy the wife which he took”.

According to this Chinuch it would seem that in shonah rishonah a husband should refrain from leaving home and he shouldn't travel to Uman, even for Rosh Hashanah.

However, the Minchas Chinuch (582:1) argues very strongly on the Chinuch and says that he has no idea where he is coming from.

Similarly, the Shu”t Radvaz (siman 238) was asked if a chosan during shonah rishonah is allowed to leave home for business? He answered: The mitzvah of ני יהיה לביתו - "he should be free at home for one year, and make happy the wife which he took”, means that he shouldn't leave home to go and fight in a war, or to help out with the war effort, however, traveling for business is not included in this prohibition. Afterall if he has no other profession besides for this, is he supposed to die from starvation or go knocking on doors? Therefore, it must be he is allowed to travel.

So, although the Chinuch seems to learn a husband isn't allowed to leave home during shonah rishonah for matters not even to do with war, the Minchas Chinuch and Radvaz argue and maintain that he may. For a Breslover chassid traveling to Uman is no less than traveling for business, and a Breslover chassid may even tell you that his parnosah depends on it, as after all that is the place he davens best. Therefore, it would seem that there is no extra reason for a Breslover chassid to be stringent in shonah rishonah.

Summary

1. The Rishonim dispute whether a man may leave his wife home alone without her permission. The Shulchan Aruch permits; the Rema forbids.
2. Even according to the Shulchan Aruch, he must still fulfill his obligation of onah.
3. According to the Rema, he may leave her alone if he has a good reason such as Torah or spiritual growth.
4. Although a husband may provide food for his wife through a third party, there are times he must eat with her — according to the Ramban on the night when there is a chiyuv onah, and according to Rambam on Shabbos night even when there is no onah. But if he has a good reason, he may leave her alone.
5. Seemingly, even during shonah rishonah a husband would be able to leave his wife at home and travel to Uman, and certainly if he is a Breslover chassid as presumably she got married knowing this would happen.
6. One must first consult whoever he normally consults with regarding his shalom bayis issues to ensure that making this trip won't harm his shalom bayis.

(Largely based on a Teshuvah from R' Doniel Travis shlita in Shu”t Takonas HaShavim 3:69)