Getting Married at the Age of Maturity (גיל הבחרות)
Age 12 / 13: The Gemara in Yevamos (62b) teaches: המשיא בניו ובנותיו סמוך לפרקן עליו הכתוב אומר (איוב ה, כד) וידעת כי שלום אהל ך – “One who marries off his sons and daughters whilst they are still young, about him the pasuk says, and you shall know that your tent is in peace.”
According to Rashi and Tosfos (Sanhedrin 76b, Yevamos 96b) the mitzvah to get married is when one is young and סמוך לפרקן, which means a year or half a year before turning 13. However, according to the Rambam (Hilchos Issurei Bi’ah 22:25), Tur and Shulchan Aruch (Even HaEzer 1) the mitzvah is from age 13.
Age 14 – 16: The Gemara in Kiddushin (29b) quotes Rav Chisda who would say: “The reason the yetzer horah attacked me less than it attacked my friends was because I got married at age 16.” He continues: “If I would have gotten married at age 14, I would have been able to turn to the Sotan and say, ‘arrows in your eyes’, and I wouldn’t have been scared that he would try and make me sin.”
Age 20: From the Gemara (there) in Kiddushin, it is clear that if one doesn’t get married by the age of 20, then all his days are spent involved in thoughts of sin (כל ימיו בהרהור עבירה). The HaMakneh explains: “Once one sins and then repeats the sin, he treats it like something permissible”. Until age 20, Hashem waits for one to get married, however, after one turns 20 and he remains unmarried then Hashem says: תיפח אש בעצמותיו, ותייבש את לחלוחיתם – “Fire should consume his bones, and dry them out from their moisture.”
The Meiri writes that one should get married young, so that he doesn’t become accustomed to having bad thoughts. If one gets accustomed to it, then even after getting married there is no guarantee that he will be saved. He says, the main time to get married is from 14 and on.
Age 22 – 24
There is another Gemara (Kiddushin 30) which says: כל זמן שידך תקיפה על בנך משש עשרה עד עשרים ושתים. ויש אומרים משמונה עשרה עד עשרים וארבע – “As long as you still have the upper hand over your son, from age 16 – 22, and some say 18 – 24.”
There is a dispute as to what this Gemara is referring to. According to most Rishonim and the second explanation of Rashi, the Gemara is referring to the mitzvah of chinuch upon a father to teach his son Torah. However, the Yam Shel Shlomah (siman 57) and Rashi in his first explanation, learn that the Gemara is discussing the age at which one should get married. The Yam Shel Shlomah concludes that if this is what the Gemara is referring to, then the latest age to get married is age 24.
בן שמונה עשרה לחופה
Another clear age for getting married is at age 18. The Mishnah in Avos (5:21) clearly says: בן שמונה עשרה לחופה – “18 years of age for chuppah.” The Rambam (Hilchos Ishus 15:2; Hilchos Issurei Bi’ah 21:25), Tur and Shulchan Aruch (Even HaEzer 1, sif 3-4) rule:
Cherem Yerushalayim
Over 250 years ago (year 5509) it was enacted in Yerushalayim that between now (5th of Iyar) and Rosh Chodesh Elul that year, all bochurim age 20 – 60, must either get married or leave the city. Many Sephardi Gedolim signed on this enactment, included in those who signed were many Roshei Yeshivos of Yeshivas HaMekubolim, the father of the Chida, the mechaber of the Sefer Get Mekushar, and various other rabbonim.
The idea of this enactment was that they didn’t want any unmarried bachelors living in Yerushalayim. It is clear from what went on, that at that time there were many unmarried bochurim in Yerushalayim, and they wanted to bring down the numbers.
The letter of the enactment ended off: הרשות נתונה לעיני העדה פקידי ירושלים לכל העובר על דברים אלה לגרשו מהארץ ולרדוף אותו בכל חרמה בכל מאמצי כוחם, כפי ראות עד מקום שידם מגעת - “Permission is granted to those Rabbonim in charge of Yerushalayim, that anyone who doesn’t keep this, may be driven out of the Land, and may be chased out with full strength, as much as is seen fit.”
R’ Ovadia Yosef nullified the cherem [ban] after calling together a special moshav Beis Din. On the Beis Din sat R’ Yehuda Tzedokah, and R’ Ben Tzion Aba Shaul, and they all agreed to nullify the cherem. (Shu”t Yabia Omer, Vol. 7, Yoreh Deah 14).
“There is a mitzvah incumbent on every man to marry a woman when he is 18. One who marries earlier at the age of 13 is fulfilling the mitzvah in a superb manner. Come what may, one shouldn’t delay getting married past the age 20. If one reaches the age of 20 and remains unmarried, he misses out on the mitzvas aseh of peru u’revu, and Beis Din force such a person to get married.”
A remez [hint] to this age is brought down by the Markeves HaMishnah (on Avos). He says that the gematria [numerical value] of the word והוא from the pasuk: והוא אשה בבתוליה יקח – “A maiden girl he shall take” (Vayikra 21:13), which is a pasuk that talks about getting married is 18.
Beginning of the 18th Year or the End?
The Bach (Even HaEzer 1, sif 3) is in doubt if when we say one should get married at age 18, if we mean the beginning of the 18th year (i.e. when turning 17) or the end. However, the Maggid Mishnah says clearly: “Either 17, or beginning of 18”.
R’ Eliyahu Diskin (Nachel Eliyahu, Vayigash) brings an interesting source for getting married at age 17. The pasuk in Bereishis 46:21, brings the names that Binyamin called all his sons. One of his sons he called ח פים. Rashi explains that the names Binyamin gave to his sons were after all the tragedies that occurred with Yosef his brother, and the name חפים was given, because “he never saw my chuppah, and I never saw his”. However, the Targum Yonason ben Uziel explains he was called ח פים, because: “When Yosef parted from me, he was 18 years old, the age fit for getting married.”
Another pasuk says clearly: “Yosef was 17 years old, when he went out to graze sheep with his brothers” (Bereishis 37:2), so we see he was only 17? We see from here that the Targum Yonason holds that already from 17 one is at the age when he should get married.
Practically We Don’t Get Married at Age 13 for Two Reasons:
- The Birkay Yosef (Even HaEzer, siman 1, s.k. 7) cites from the tzavo’ah [will] of Rabbeinu Yonah Chosid, that in today’s generation we are weak, and things have changed, and it is unhealthy to get married before turning 13. It is also clear from the Radvaz (Ta’amei HaMitzvos, Mitzvah 125) and Aruch HaShulchan (sif 11) that in today’s generation we are weak, and it is difficult to be able to give birth at such an age.
- The Chelkas Mechokek (Even HaEzer 1, s.k. 2), Beis Shmuel (Even HaEzer 1, s.k. 3) and Chochmas Adam (Hilchos Ishus, Klal 123, sif 4) all write that although all mitzvos start from age 13, the mitzvah of peru u’revu only starts from the age of 18 earliest. The reason being: One needs to learn Torah before getting married, and the age for starting to learn Gemara is 15, and before turning 18, one isn’t able to learn enough of what he needs. (The first reason of nature changing applies even for one who isn’t learning Torah, however, the second reason is only applicable for those learning Torah.)
נפשו חשקה בתורה – Strong Desire to Continue Learning Torah
There are two dinim which obligate one to get married: 1) The mitzvah of peru u’revu, where the obligation starts at age 18. Even if one has already fulfilled the mitzvah, it is clear from the Rambam (Hilchos Ishus 15:16) that one should stay married and continue fulfilling the mitzvah as every soul that one creates is tantamount to building an entire world. 2) It is forbidden for one to be alone without a wife (see Yevamos 61b), like it says: לא טוב היות אדם לבדו – “It is not good for a man to be alone” (Bereishis 2:18). The Rambam writes (Hilchos Ishus 15:16) Chazal instructed that one shouldn’t be alone without a wife, in order that one won’t come to have bad thoughts.
