Question:
I very much appreciate your reply to my question of three weeks ago in edition #968, regarding feeling stepped on and criticized by my husband. I nevertheless found missing tips/tools to deal with constant criticism from those around me. I often feel that I’m immersed in acid—an environment which makes it exceedingly difficult to heal.
Answer:
Thank you for your follow-up question. Your situation is definitely challenging. In regards tips/tools, there were three ideas that were mentioned in the previous answer:
- The importance of communicating with one’s spouse, along with several tips as to how to conduct effective communication. When husband and wife feel safe to communicate their feelings and challenges, problems can be resolved.
- Many of us have habitual thought patterns that prevent us from fulfilling our potential. The mental filter, discounting our positive qualities, is a primary nemesis. Remembering and focusing on our good qualities picks us up, increases self-confidence, and improves our relationships. Awareness is the beginning of change.
- Write down ten positive qualities you see in yourself. In addition, note your accomplishments during the day. Review your list several times a day. You will feel better.
These are just three approaches out of many. However, the common denominator of all tools is, as is taught in Ethics of the Fathers (5:21): “commensurate with the effort is the reward.” Applying and integrating the tools and techniques into one’s being requires discipline and commitment. The more consistent and determined one is, the better chance for success.
Regarding criticism, criticism can be a positive force, teaching us where we can improve. As the Rebbe Rashab states: “cherish criticism, for it will place you on the true heights.”
However, when a person lacks self-confidence and a positive self-image, criticism can make them feel broken. On the one hand, the exercises mentioned above will help to build self-esteem and inner strength. Yet, on a deeper, more essential level, contemplating and internalizing who we really are: “I am a Jew, I am cherished by Hashem, and Hashem needs me to play my part in bringing the world to its ultimate state of perfection (otherwise I would not be here), provides inner strength, joy and confidence. It is a truth that can never be taken away.
Chassidus emphasizes the principle, “a little light banishes a lot of darkness.” The more we fill ourselves with positivity, the better we will feel and the better our relationships will be.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling, [email protected]
