When asked about the greatest challenge he faces today, the principal of one of the largest Jewish high schools in the United States related this thought: Parents spend thousands of dollars a year in tuition to send their children to our school where, along with calculus and chemistry, we are expected to teach some basic ethics. Then, on Sunday, the parents take their child to an amusement park and lie about his age in order to save five dollars on the admission fee. To save five bucks they destroy a $25,000 education.
Most parents and teachers realize that values and perspectives must be planted by personal example. However, in practice, we sometimes try to build into our childrens’ and students’ behavioral routines that we personally have not yet mastered. We insist that our children eat properly, even though we survive on coffee and donuts. We insist that they don’t sit by the TV for hours, while we fall short of these expectations. In short, we find it easier to work on our children than on ourselves, and so that is sometimes what we do.
This hypocrisy has disastrous results: Too many children legitimately view their parents and teachers as insincere. Disrespect burgeons slowly until, around ages 12-15, it shreds the parent-child or teacher-student trust and relationship. Then children reject the moral authority of the adults in their lives. They isolate themselves emotionally from parents and teachers, and begin making their own (often self-destructive) decisions.
In a famous study regarding the transmission of values from parents to children, the following question was asked of many children: What do your parents want you to be when you grow up—rich, smart, famous or good? Most of the children -- from a variety of demographic and cultural sectors -- ranked rich, smart, or famous as most important. And the characteristic that ranked lowest was being ‘good.’ Ironically, parents across the same sectors responded that they favored ‘good’ as the preferred characteristic for their child.
Why was there this disconnect between the desire of the parents and the perception of their children?
The answer may be that preaching to children demands parallel practice by parents. True goodness is not taught in books, it is transmitted by living example. Parents may tell their children that they want them to be good people above all, but what are the children experiencing from their parents? Are they—the parents—placing goodness above all other comforts?
If you want to touch the heart of your child, make sure that your own heart was touched. And work not just on your conscious, but also on your unconscious identity. Children often respond to the unconscious of their parents even more than to their parents’ conscious selves.
This was the message of Jacob’s children to their father: The reason there is in our heart only One, is because our hearts reflect and mirror YOUR heart, and in your heart, there is only One. This is true concerning every parent and teacher.
