QUESTION: An acquaintance of mine, who used to work with me in the office, moved to another location to take a different job and I had not spoken to him for a while. I needed to ask him something, so I gave him a call. Since I had not spoken with him for a while, I asked him how he was doing with genuine curiosity and concern. Apparently, my acquaintance misinterpreted the tone of my tone and thought that I was aware of his rather serious medical situation and proceeded to thank me for my care and concern in asking how he was doing. I felt awkward and played along with his erroneous assumption. I feel guilty about deceiving him though. Should I have told him the truth?
ANSWER: The Gemorah in Yevamos 65b, is the source to permit lying for the sake of peace. The Gemorah cites Rabbi Ile’ah in the name of Rabbi Elazar the son of Rabbi Shimon that one may “change” to maintain the peace. He learns this from Yoseph’s brothers who lied to Yoseph to maintain peace between them. Yoseph’s brothers told Yoseph, that Yaakov had instructed them to tell Yoseph to forgive them for their sin against Yoseph (for throwing him into the pit). In fact, Yaakov did not leave any such instruction.
Rav Nosson is then cited in the Gemorah saying that it is not just permitted to lie to maintain the peace, but it is even a Mitzvah to do so as Hashem commanded Shmuel to anoint Dovid the king and lie to Saul (the current king) and say to him that he is merely coming to bring an offering to Hashem (See Shmuel 1, 16:1-2).
Which opinion do we follow? The Chofetz Chaim (Hilchos Rechilus 1:14) rules that we follow the opinion of Rav Nosson and he is not alone. The Rif in Yevamos, and even more so in Bava Metziah 13a, quotes our Gemorah and clearly rules in accordance with Rabbi Nosson. The Rosh in Yevamos 6:21, also rules like Rabbi Nosson and the Ohr Zaruah Bava Metziah 3:63, does as well.
Accordingly, in your case, it was a Mitzvah to go along with your friend’s assumption that you were asking about his welfare out of concern for his medical condition, rather than tell him the truth and make him feel bad that you were not checking in on him out of concern for his wellbeing.
