Believing in Yourself and Your Avodas Hashem
The Gemara in Megila says that Esther wanted to be remembered forever with Megilas Esther. A person has an Achrayus to make the most of himself, and to respect his own Avodas Hashem. The Gemara in Brachos tells a story about Chizkiyahu Melech Yehuda, who davened that he should recover from his sickness in the Zechus that he had been such a Tzaddik. The Gemara says that indeed, Chizkiyahu’s Tefila was answered and he did not die, but it would not be in his own Zechus, rather in the Zechus of his Zeide, Dovid. כָל הַתוֹלֶה בִּזְכוּת עַצְמוֹ, תוֹלִּין לוֹ בִּזְכוּת אֲחֵּרִּ ים ברכות י ב When a person davens to be saved in his own Zechus, he will be answered in the Zechus of others. The Gemara concludes that Chizkiyahu was both happy and sad. Happy that he lived, but sad that it was not in his own Zechus. What’s wrong with Fargining his Zeide, Dovid, and giving him the credit? Why did Chizkiyahu want so badly to be the cause of his own Yeshua?
The Gemara there brings the story how Chizkiyahu became sick, and Hashem sent Yeshaya HaNavi to tell him that it was decreed in Shamayim that he must die, and when Chizkiyahu said that he will do Teshuva (Chizkiyahu had sinned by not getting married; the reason he did so was because he knew with Ruach HaKodesh that if he had a son, he would be a Rasha, which was indeed what happened), the Navi replied that it was already too late to change it. Chizkiyahu was not Nis'pael, and he commanded Yeshaya: בֶן אָמוֹץ, כַלֵּה נְבוּאָתְךָ וְּצֵא Son of Amotz (a derogatory way of referring to Yeshaya), halt your Nevua, and leave! כָךְ מְקוּבָלְנִּי מִּבֵּית אָבִּי אַבָא, אַפִּילוּ חֶרֶב חַדָה מוּנַחַת עַל צַוָארוֹ שֶל אָדָם, אַל יִּתְיַיאֵּש עַצְמוֹ מִּן הָרַחֲמִּים Chizkiyahu said: I have a tradition from my Zeide, that even if a sharp sword is resting on a person’s neck, he shouldn’t lose hope! The Gr”a says that the “Zeide” Chizkiyahu was quoting was Yehoshafat, who had a sharp sword on his neck, and nevertheless did not give up hope.
It says about Yehoshafat: וַיִגְּבַהּ לִבוֹ בְּדַרְּ כֵי ה' he lifted his heart in the service of Hashem. Perhaps this is the reason why he didn’t give up, because of his Derech of Romemus and: וַיִגְּבַהּ לִבוֹ uplifting his heart. And perhaps Chizkiyahu decided to go in that same Derech. Indeed, the Meforshim say that Yehoshafat became as great as Dovid or even greater. And Chazal say that Chizkiyahu almost became Moshiach. Of course, we have no real understanding of a giant like Chizkiyahu, and why he wanted to get credit. But in our perception, this could be a lesson of how a person must work hard in believing in himself.
This is why Shaul HaMelech lost his Malchus, since he was: קָטֹן אַתָה בְעֵּינֶיךָ ש"א טו יז small in his own eyes, and did not recognize that he was: רֹאש שִּבְטֵּי יִּשְ רָאֵּל אָתָה the head of the nation. And the importance of believing in yourself is so great, that despite the fact that Chizkiyahu’s life was just saved, it was still extremely important and a big loss that it did not happen in his Zechus. When a person is Niftar, if he was a Rasha, he forgets his name; but a Tzaddik remembers.
It is extremely important to always admire your own greatness, since it’s all a gift from Hashem and it needs to be appreciated. Being “you” and realizing the true potential that you possess, is truly Kodesh Kodoshim.
Too many people live in the shadow of their Chashuva parents or ancestors. This can be a grave mistake. Chizkiyahu had plenty respect for Dovid, but the importance of appreciating your own Avodas Hashem can override many great things.
