With regard to the last issue the husband raises in his letter — I commend him for realizing that his hard feelings are not doing him any good. Too many people justify their anger and frustration (“Of course I’m furious! It’s all her fault...”) and do nothing to find a solution. Other people think that if enough time passes, the hard feelings will somehow melt away.
Feelings don’t usually just melt away, however — often, they become entrenched and only make things worse. The best approach is to deal with them as soon as possible, using the right method of communication.
Introducing the topic with something like, “This is hard for us to discuss, and I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. Let’s see if we can talk about this and figure something out,” will often help the other spouse be less defensive and more open to looking at things in a new light.
Chazal also stress that a husband should use divrei piyus, to try to appease his wife and make things up, rather than let problems fester.
In every area of life, using Torah’dig methods to address the issues we face is the healthiest and most productive way of getting unstuck and moving forward. Even if it is your spouse who is in the wrong; even if your spouse doesn’t realize that she’s in the wrong, there’s still so much you can do to improve the situation and restore tranquility to your home.
May Hashem help us all to see our own deficiencies and be brave enough to address them, and may all Yidden be zocheh to build a Mishkan Me’at, a home where the Shechinah can dwell.
