Dear Rabbi Gruen,
Thank you for all your shiurim which I enjoy very much. I recently started learning with a chavrusa at six o’clock every morning. This means that I have to go to bed early. My wife admires my new seder hayom very much.
However, it’s happened a few times that I made preparations to spend connecting time with her and let her know in a subtle way — but she stayed up late, regardless. She is a night-person in general — she likes to stay up late, and she often sleeps in the afternoon. She doesn’t work outside the house, and we don’t have children at home, so she can make her own schedule.
The last time this happened, I made preparations and let her know with a hint, as I usually do, but then, around midnight, she told me, “Later.” I said it’s not an option, that I can’t stay up so late and if I go to sleep, then even if I get up again later it won’t work. She said it could work even that way, but I repeated that it’s not an option and I went to bed.
I feel very upset by this, and I’m worried that we’re going to get into a fight about it. I feel that she acted inappropriately. She wanted to cook a meal for a family who were sitting shivah, and she only started cooking at half-past-eleven, and finished at three in the morning. Is that more important than making time for her husband?
This wasn’t the first time she’s done this, and I get really tense and upset. I made myself ready for her, but then she just left me hanging.
I feel like it will be very hard for me to make myself so vulnerable again in the near future; I feel resentful and also degraded. I know it’s not good for me to feel like this, but there’s nothing I can do about my feelings. I’m hurt and I feel that she acted wrongly, and I would like to know what I can do to avoid feeling like this.
It’s a sensitive issue, so although we speak about other things, it’s hard to discuss this with her. Another thing is that she has a much livelier personality than I do, which also complicates things.
I would appreciate your advice, thank you
