We thought it was our ability to live that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to select each image containing a boat.
My co-worker said to me today: "You shouldn't eat red meat!" I said: "My grandfather lived to be 100 years old." He said: "Did he eat red meat?" I said: "No, he minded his own business."
Recycling yard
Recently, I brought my six-year-old granddaughter, Channie, with me on my trip to the recycling yard to dispose of a lawnmower and some other metal. There, we wandered around among the hundreds of cars that were waiting to be crushed. Most of them were missing parts, which had been removed for reuse in other cars. Channie said to me, "Abba?" "Yes, Channie," I replied. "I'm not buying my first car here."
Great Cheese
The customer in the Israeli pizza shop in Brooklyn was so pleased with his order that he told the worker who made it "Your pizza was great. I just spent a month in Israel, and yours is better than any I ever had over there." "Naturally," the worker said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"
Shloimie on Vacation
Shloimie decided that instead of going away on a vacation he would stay at home and just relax – a “staycation.” And Shloimie was really taking his mandate seriously by doing as little as possible. Shloimie ignored his wife Miriam’s not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but he didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted, and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when Miriam plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened. She looked so stricken that Shloimie offered some consolation. "That's okay, honey," Shloimie said. "You still have me." Miriam looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"
Math Dad
How do mathematicians scold their children? “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times...”
A Clean Sweep
Moishe Goldberg, owner of Moishe’s Kosher Grocer, decided to do his friend Herb a favor and hire his grandson David, fresh out of college, to work in the grocery store. David reported for his first day of work and Moishe greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," David replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said Moishe. "Here, give me the broom – I'll show you how."
Old-timers’ Conversation
"Do you love me more than you love sleep?" "I can't answer now. It's time for my nap!"
Wrong Number
Caller: *sighs* “Well, I’m glad somebody decided to answer the phone over there. I’ve been trying to get through to you all day, but all I get is a busy signal!” Me: “Ma’am, the phone has barely rung here all day. Are you sure you were calling the right number?” Caller: “What? Of COURSE I was! I’ve been calling the number on this invoice you sent me last week.” Me: “I see. Do you mind reading the phone number to me?” Caller: “It’s 914-366... Oh, wait a minute. That’s MY number. Well, no wonder I kept getting a busy signal. I’ve been calling myself all day long!”
