All the suggestions I have presented so far relate to trying to fix things within the current set-up. From my experience, however, I know that there is one very effective method of virtually ensuring that disputes in this area don’t arise in the first place. What I am referring to is making a schedule. In today’s world, it’s common for people to believe that spontaneity in initiating intimate connection is more “authentic” and that routine is old-fashioned and lacking feeling. My response to such reactions is: “Are you also spontaneous with your mealtimes?”
When it comes to something like when to eat supper, most people realize that it won’t work out if the wife feels like cooking early one day and serving a meal at four p.m., and the next day she doesn’t feel like cooking at all, and the next day she switches breakfast with supper... It also won’t work if the husband comes home at ten p.m. and demands his supper within ten minutes, because “that’s what he feels like.” It might be more authentic, but the fact that it has to work for two people makes it clear that it’s not a plan. If that’s true of meals which technically can be eaten separately, how much more so with regard to something that specifically does involve two people at once, and even more, is something that people get sensitive about, as it’s quite a bit more personal than mealtimes.
I’d like to present four reasons why schedule is important in this area, in order of ascending importance.
The first reason is that it’s important to be consistent, especially in this area where it is a mitzvah, not something optional. If there is no set time for it, then it will inevitably be sidelined by all kinds of things that come up — a chasunah, a vacation, a sick child, a long day at work... Furthermore, once there is a set time, husband and wife will feel an obligation to set the scene. If they have quarreled, they’re more likely to make up. In general, everyone knows that we schedule the important things in life and that other things have to be worked-in around them. This certainly applies here.
The second reason is that spontaneity, if one isn’t careful, can end up being selfish. It’s quite unusual for two people to spontaneously feel the same way. Even if the spontaneous person makes the effort to coax the other person to feel the same way, the spouse may have something else planned or be too tired or feel unwilling for any number of other reasons, and may feel pressured to comply.
The third reason is that in this area of a marriage, spouses should be equals. There shouldn’t be any sense of one being the giver and the other, the taker. To use the example of supper, if suppertime is six p.m. then the wife knows to have the food ready and the husband knows to be home in time to eat. That’s their schedule and neither of them is doing the other a favor, or making a great sacrifice, or imposing on the other. (Refusing to give or take and withdrawing entirely, or using this area of marriage as leverage, is a terrible error, aside from being disastrous for the relationship.)
The fourth — and by far the most important — reason for making a schedule is that this is the Torah approach (as is clear from the word the Torah uses for this mitzvah). It is quite clearly spelled out in Shulchan Aruch. That doesn’t mean that there can’t be exceptions, but when there is a clear seder, it’s the healthiest way to live.
In my experience, as long as the concept is presented properly, this is what works best for most people and helps them avoid the many problems that couples encounter in this area. Once the concept is implemented, it’s unusual to find either spouse unhappy with the new arrangement.
