When we stop looking at things in a material sense and start looking beneath the surface, it often becomes easier to put this into practice. So much of what a husband provides isn’t tangible at all, just as the example of a king mentioned above. The husband should be the spiritual head of the home. He sets the direction for the family, the guidelines all family members adhere to, the general hashkafah of the home.
When a wife recognizes this, she will naturally turn to her husband for advice, for chizuk when she needs it, for a compliment to keep her going, and so forth. And each time she can do so, she will build him up into becoming her king.
Even if she doesn’t feel that she needs his advice, if she is wise she will ask for it anyway. As the sefer Orchos Tzaddikim teaches, we should always seek out a friend who gives us the good feeling of needing us, even if the truth is that we need them more than they need us.
Many of the Torah’s teachings in this area fly in the face of secular ideas of gender equality and independence that have seeped into all our communities and caused a great deal of damage. The Torah tells us that there is no truth to the idea that women gain from being independent and not needing their husbands — in fact, the Gemara is clear that, “It’s better for a woman to have any husband, no matter who, than it is not to have a husband at all.”
Of course this doesn’t mean that suffering due to one’s husband is a good thing. One way of understanding this Gemara is realizing that women have an incredible koach to influence their husbands for the good.
But it must also be recognized that virtually no one is truly independent. Almost everyone needs other people for advice, chizuk, and a good word now and again. Even women who pride themselves on “not needing” their husbands generally do turn to others (mothers, sisters, friends) for help when needed. And each time they do, they miss out on a huge opportunity to turn to their husbands for that help instead.
