Unfortunately, many women get into the “if-only” mode when discussing the respect they should be showing their husbands. “If only my husband was successful, respected in the community, a big talmid chacham, with imposing good looks, then of course I’d respect him! But you don’t know my husband, he’s just a shlemazel...”
While it certainly can be easier to respect a man who’s very obviously deserving of it, you may be surprised to hear that there are plenty of “successful, respected, intelligent, handsome” husbands whose wives don’t respect them at all. And there are actually plenty of nondescript husbands whose wives think the world of them.
What is it that makes the difference?
The Torah instructs men to provide three essential things for their wives, which are non-negotiable. These are what the Torah refers to as she’eir, kesus, and onah. For instance, even in families where the husband is learning and the wife goes out to work, the financial responsibility for the home is still the husband’s. For providing these three basic things, a husband is worthy of his wife’s respect and gratitude; when he receives these, it gives him stature in her eyes and he becomes her king.
The Torah tells us that there is no such thing as a king without a people to rule over. The same is true in other relationships. A rav gains stature from the respect and admiration of those who seek his guidance. Rav Shimshon Pincus would quip, “A cow doesn’t appreciate a black hat.” When a cow sees a rav, he sees nothing more than a person wearing something black.
It is told that when the Vizhnitzer Rebbe the Ahavas Yisrael went for a walk with his son, the Damesek Eliezer, the non-Jews in town assumed that the son was the Rebbe and the father, who was shorter and far less imposing in appearance, must be his attendant. It takes a person with understanding to distinguish between people who only look impressive and those who are genuinely worthy of respect.
Within the home, when a wife looks up to her husband she actually gives him stature. It doesn’t matter whether he’s a big-shot businessman in the outside world, or a rosh yeshivah, or a storekeeper. At home, he is her king, and she becomes his queen.
