Question: I have finally met a guy I actually like. At my age this is a big deal. But there is a huge issue. He does not keep kosher and says he never will. He insists on bringing non-kosher food into my home, something I have never allowed before. Now I'm in a bind. Does G-d want me to stay single and kosher, or compromise and be happy?
Response: Compromise is a necessary ingredient in every successful relationship. Two human beings sharing intimate space is a balancing act, and can only work if each makes room for the other. Learning to love means learning to loosen your grip and be flexible.
But you can't put everything up for negotiation. You need to know when to compromise, and when to hold your ground.
If a guy you love tells you he doesn't like a particular dress you wear, because it reminds him of his third-grade teacher whom he hated, would you change dresses? Sure you would. And so you should. It's only a dress, and if the negative association is so strong for him, be sensitive and put on something else.
But what if he says he doesn't like your nose? Apparently that third-grade teacher had a similar dress sense to you, and also a similar-shaped nose. You've already changed your dress. Would you change your nose too?
I hope not. Because your dress is what you wear, but your nose is you. You can change what you do to please someone else. But you can't change who you are to please someone else.
When it comes to matters of habit, there is wiggle room. If your hobbies clash with your partner, you can adjust them. If you're a late-night person, you can learn to become an early riser. If you insist on playing your electronic bagpipe, that's fine, just use headphones. If he's a junk food addict, he can, over time, develop a taste for quinoa salad. These are superficial habits, so they are malleable.
But when it comes to your identity, who you are, your core beliefs and values, there can be no compromise. If you give in there, you are giving up who you are. And giving up on who you are never ends well. You can change your clothes, but you can't change your nose.
Your kosher kitchen is not a habit, it is an expression of identity. You are following the spiritual diet of your ancestors. Your every bite of food is a connection to your Jewishness. You are a part of that secret society that checks labels for hidden symbols next to the use-by date. This is who you are. You can't just give it up for someone else.
But let's give this guy a chance. He may not realise how deep your convictions are. Stand your ground, and explain to him why you keep kosher. If he is the one for you, he will accept you for who you are. After all, his not keeping kosher is just a habit. When he sees that kosher is a part of who you are, who 'nose' what will happen.
