Question: Before marriage, I told my husband I struggled with anger. Since then, I’ve improved a lot, and my outbursts are rare. Still, when I do get upset, I feel embarrassed, foolish, and guilty. I worry about how others see me. How can I deal with these feelings?
Answer: Everyone has moments of losing control. Later, feelings like guilt or shame can arise. They often result from irrational thoughts. A helpful tool is cognitive reframing—replacing harsh self-talk with balanced, compassionate thoughts. For example:
“People must think I’m crazy” → “I’m projecting my own criticism onto others; I can’t read other’s minds and I do not know what they are thinking. It is normal to make mistakes. And, there are many things I do well.”
“I feel embarrassed” → “Everyone has areas to work on. Usually, I present myself well. One moment doesn’t define me.”
“I feel guilty” → “I’ve improved so much. Beating myself up does not help. Growth takes time. I can learn and move forward.”
Try this exercise: Write down recurring negative thoughts and their corresponding emotion. Then write down the reframed thoughts and write down your positive emotional change. In time, you will become accustomed to more balanced thoughts and emotions.
In addition, while we have free will, every challenge is Divinely orchestrated. Even the situations that seem to result from our own actions are directed by Hashem to help us grow. Nothing is by chance and the situation wherein we find ourselves is where we are supposed to be. Every descent is the beginning of an ascent. And, Hashem gives us the capabilities to learn, grow and move forward.
This perspective brings purpose to our struggles. We’re not flawed—we’re in process, and Hashem is guiding every step.
Another point to consider, our natural state is joy, like a laughing toddler. As we release irrational beliefs and self-judgment, that joy resurfaces—improving our middot, deepening emunah, and bringing peace to our homes.
You’ve come far and, like all of us, you are continuing to grow. True, the challenges are not easy, but when we see them as opportunities, the hidden good becomes more apparent.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling: www.aharonschmidt.com.
*To receive periodic ideas on navigating marriage and personal growth, reach out to [email protected]
