Question: There is a member of our com-munity to whom I'm fairly close who enjoys making jokes about marriage. People laugh, which only encourages him. Recently, his wife invited our family over for Shabbat din-ner. My wife is looking forward to it, but I know that if he makes one of his signature marriage jokes, she won't appreciate it and may respond with a sharp comment. I can easily imagine my friend being taken aback and the atmosphere turning uncomfortable. What should I do?
Answer: Marriage challenges us to step beyond ourselves and make room in our lives for another person someone with distinct opinions, experiences, personality traits, interests, and preferences. This is beautifully symbolized by the round wedding ring, which represents creating space for someone else.
Rabbi Shais Taub shares a poignant insight: people who make cynical jokes about marriage often resist the personal growth that marriage demands. Conversely, those who value marriage recognize it as one of life's greatest opportunities for growth.
That said, while we should do what we can, we cannot control or micromanage every situation. At some point, we need to leave the rest in Hashem's hands. Your wife is excited about the invitation, and your friend may or not make one of his jokes. If he does, your wife may or may not respond sharply. And if she does, it might actually give your friend something to think about.
More importantly, this is a prime opportunity to practice putting your wife first. Your primary concern shouldn't be preventing an awkward moment for your friend, but stand-ing steadfastly by your wife. That does not mean encouraging her to make a sharp re-mark. Rather, it means validating her feelings and ensuring she knows you are in her corner. One of the foundations of a strong marriage is your spouse knows you are their greatest ally.
If an uncomfortable moment does arise, your first responsibility remains with your wife. A tangible expression of putting your marriage first means consistently choosing your spouse over everyone else-standing by her side. That loyalty is one of the clearest expressions of love and commitment.
Aharon Schmidt, relationship and personal coaching: www.aharonschmidt.com
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