Question: In a question from two weeks ago (edition #960) a man said it bothered him that his wife never thanks him for all the work he does around the house. You answered that it is good for spouses to express gratitude to one another, however, being emotionally dependent on receiving acknowledgment leads to resentment when the thanks is not forthcoming. My question is: why can’t the husband asked to be thanked? A Jewish marriage without Hakarat HaTov (gratitude/recognizing the good) is not a happy place to live in. Only Hashem can get by without Hakarat HaTov; we thank Him for us; not for Him. But, we all need Hakarat HaTov and this guy's wife and children need to see their husband/father/teacher asking for Hakarat HaTov.
Answer: You are correct that Hakarat HaTov is an essential ingredient of marriage. It enhances the warmth, respect and giving. And, as you mentioned, the father should infuse this positive character trait within the members of his family.
It appears from your letter that there are two main goals: 1. to teach the family the importance of Hakarat HaTov; 2. for the husband to have his need for Hakarat HaTov met.
In answer to your question, “why can’t the husband asked to be thanked,” the husband could discuss his feelings with his wife. However, it should be a private conversation between husband and wife, as opposed to, “this guy's wife and children need to see their husband/father/teacher asking for Hakarat HaTov.” The children will learn from example when they see their father and mother showing gratitude to one another. Living examples are a great way to teach.
At the same time, depending on the history and dynamics of the marriage, the wife may or may not be as forthcoming as the husband desires. Most likely she has her side—perhaps she also feels she is not appreciated for all the work she does. Therefore, in addition to sharing his need with his wife, he should be sure to show gratitude to her for the things that she does. In fact, it is highly likely that the more gratitude he shows, the more gratitude she will give him in return.
Yet, as mentioned in the previous column, while husband and wife should show gratitude to each other, a person should not be dependent on receiving gratitude. When the focus is not on oneself, but on giving to our spouse and the marriage, we free ourself from this need. The Hebrew word ahava, love, is rooted in the word hav, meaning, to give. Giving, not receiving, is the basis of love. The need to receive creates separation; giving creates closeness.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling, [email protected]
