Questions To Rabbi Mandel
Non-Stop Complaining Part II
Question: Dear Rabbi Mandel, Thank you for your previous guidance. To provide further context regarding the challenges I am facing, my wife insists that I discuss every financial decision with her in advance. She expresses that failing to do so is inconsiderate, and indicates that I am not taking her needs into account. I would appreciate your perspective on how to manage these expectations and navigate these conversations, particularly when I feel these accusations are unjustified. Thank you for your time and advice.
Answer: I am not the right party for that question. In my world, my wife does everything, and I do nothing. It enhances my Bitachon. I am teaching for 49 years, and I never, ever looked at the check. I have no idea if I had a raise or not. And I want you to know, I don't know if you are the type of person who can relate to this. I'm good at that; I know Novardokers who did it. R' Chaim Halperin Zatzal did that, with the encouragement of his Rebbe, R' Gershon Zatzal. Keep away from the checks, it gets your mind bogged down into Tevah; into what's “really” going on.
Now, I don't know about the dynamics of your situation. I don't know if it's fair to ask you to try to be like me. But I have a life of Gan Eden for that reason. Money is not in my head at all. I don't get involved. I married off two children without owing a penny, because the money came to me (I'll tell you how to do it, if you want to know). If you're involved in money, you're involved in Tevah (like how it works, cause and effect, how much are we making, etc.) I'm beyond that. Believe me, I'm running an operation here, printing Bitachon Weekly for 10 years, and I don't collect money. The money comes to me! Someone just came in now, and he gave me 200 bucks, just like that. And he gave my co-worker 200 bucks; out of nowhere.
That's my lifestyle, because I'm more involved in Emuna and Bitachon than in Tevah (even more than in learning) because to me, Hashem is first in my life! Going with this M'halech gives the most Schar; the better life here, and the better life there.
But I can't expect this from you, especially when the world around you is not doing that. It's hard for me to "sell” that method to you. But you are interested, call me up; I'll put you on your feet. You'll be a happy person. You'll learn much more Torah, and be much more involved in the true things about life. But if you're not up-to-it, then you do have a problem.
In my not-so-humble opinion, your wife is not really right (what does she have to do with that money??) but that's the way she is. Now, my wife is totally in charge of the finances. And I never even bother her. Let her do everything! I don't care! I don't get involved. Money? She tells me here and there, and I mostly ignore it. Somehow, the money comes in. I am sort of lackadaisical about money. I don't look at it like “we've got to have it”, because the more you're involved in it, it can dominate you! You better watch it! And when things don't go well, it can hurt you, Chas V'shalom.
So look. If she's like that, and there's no way out of it (she's stuck like that, and nobody's going to straighten her out so fast) you have to deal with a relationship. How do you deal with such a thing? I'm not sure. The normal smart-guy somehow finds a: פְּשָׁרָה compromise. Somehow, he makes the other person feel happy. I don't know exactly how to do it over here (maybe I need to hear what she has to say) I don't know.
I really don't have an answer. The only thing I want to tell you is, if you daven to Hashem about this question, Hashem will guide you. Ask around other people; I am not your address. There are all kinds out there. Ask the more business-types. Yeshiva'leit are not really involved in this world. Many of them just sit and learn, and let the wife take over. I'm really not the address to know exactly how to deal with this.
One thing is for sure: Don't fight with her. That's number one. NO FIGHTING! “No matter what, I don't fight!” Give in and laugh, and be mature. Don't get too involved. Let's say she's wrong; so let her be wrong! But you're not fighting. When you don't fight, you bring a Bracha into your house. I know a certain family, he was a Chasid of R' Avigdor Miller Zatzal. His wife was unfortunately much worse than the way you are describing your wife. I spoke to one of the children.
She was really unstable, and he ignored the whole problem. He just sat and learned and kept out of trouble. He never got into a fight. The mother was totally not-normal, and yet they all did the best Shiduchim. Everyone turned out great, because there was one island of stability, of breaking Middos in the family, and that took over the whole situation. If you work hard on your Middos not to fight with your wife, you are going to send a Bracha to the whole situation. I wish you Bracha V'hatzlacha in everything you do.
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