This article is part of a series of rewrites of HaRav Ginsburgh’s bestselling book, The Mystery of Marriage, intended for a universal audience. Written by Mrs. Sara Esther Crispe who lectures widely and coaches singles and couples based on HaRav Ginsburgh’s teachings.
One of the biggest misconceptions is that when love is real, a relationship should be automatic and smooth sailing. But that is far from the truth. Even when love is real, a relationship is going to require constant and endless work.
If we think about a physical analogy, we could compare a relationship to working out, eating healthy, and losing weight. If my goal is to drop 50lbs., gain muscle, and have more energy, I’m going to have to start going to the gym, changing my diet, and shifting my lifestyle. Let’s say that after a year I have reached my goal. I have lost the weight, gained the muscle, and have more energy. My doctor applauds me for being in great health, and all is good. Can I now stop? Can I revert back to how I was eating a year ago? To how I was living? Clearly not. We all know that if I do, I will fall into the diet yo-yo trap eventually gaining even more than I ever lost. A gym I know used a great motto that works both for the body and the heart. “There is no such thing as staying the same. You are either striving to do better or allowing yourself to become worse.”
Why then are we so shocked that the same is true with our relationships? In every relationship, two different beings come together requiring real work, flexibility, and compromise to become one. But once we get there? Once we attain this highest level of love and connection? We better be willing to work that much harder not only to maintain but to increase and grow in our love. The second we stop trying is when the problems start. There is no autopilot or cruise control for relationships. Like it or not, relationships demand constant work. Hard work.
One of the most romantic expressions in Jewish liturgy is the phrase, “I am for my beloved and my beloved is for me” (יִדֹדוְליִנֲאיִליִדֹדוְו), whose initials in Hebrew spell the name of the month of Elul (לּלוֱא), the month preceding Rosh Hashanah (Song of Songs, 6:3). Another way of understanding this phrase is that, “I was created for my beloved and my beloved for me.” Our soulmate is not a one-size-fits-all but is rather custom designed for what we need and what we are intended to accomplish in this world through our relationship with them. This includes the issues we will need to work through, the problems we will have to face, and the growth we will experience, all of which will be the products of our marriage.
No one seeks tension and problems in a relationship. Yet, how we handle things when challenges arise determines how healthy our relationship is and if it will grow and strengthen from the problems encountered rather than be consumed and destroyed by them. All relationships face problems. No one is perfect; therefore, no couple can be perfect. And the sooner we realize and accept that fact, the sooner we can be open to finding positive approaches for dealing with the issues when they arise.
One of the questions I pose to couples when they get engaged is to tell me something that annoys them in their partner. Often, they respond with a look of shock and even horror that I would dare suggest that something, that anything, could be wrong with their “perfect other.” To clarify, I am not asking them to identify something huge, something foundational that might weaken the entire relationship. Just the opposite. If there is an issue that is that problematic, the couple should probably not be getting married. If either partner doubts whether the other is kind, whether he or she will make a good parent, whether they are reliable, trustworthy, or has anger issues, etc. then that is a sign to rethink the relationship. I am searching for something else. I would like to hear her say that she is sometimes embarrassed because of the jokes he makes (even though he thinks they’re really funny); I would like to hear him say that he doesn’t like her glasses or her signature brownies. There must be something. Both have to recognize that their partner is not perfect, and yet they love them anyway. He can overlook these imperfections because of all her wonderful qualities that outweigh them. And vice versa. As long as they both can acknowledge that these imperfections exist.
What happens when issues or problems arise? Many couples, when they leave their honeymoon phase of imaginary perfection and have that first fight, are temporarily convinced that they made a mistake. The marriage was clearly a mistake if their spouse is the type of person who would act this way or that or respond in the way they did. And yet, as any married couple can testify, disagreements happen, and they are a normal and healthy part of every marriage... when handled correctly.
There is a famous teaching from the Ba’al Shem Tov, the founder of the Chasidic movement, that when something bothers us in another person, we are often seeing ourselves in the mirror. This doesn’t mean that the issue is our fault. What it does mean, is that we may be more sensitive or more likely to find something problematic because of we ourselves are struggling with a particular issue. Being able to do this also allows each partner to do some internal work before accusing or blaming their spouse. We do this much more naturally and easily with children. If a two-year-old is having a temper tantrum, rather than taking it personally or blame the child, we will likely look at the circumstances to determine what might be the cause of the emotional outburst. Is he hungry? Did he nap long enough? Did he nap too long and his schedule is out of whack? Is he in a new environment and he doesn’t adjust to change well? Does he have a dirty diaper? Maybe he is too hot? Too cold? Or in some other way uncomfortable. We think about what we can do for the child. We don’t blame him for his reaction. We assume there is a reason for it, and we try to address the cause and see how we can help.
But when this happens with adults, we are far less likely to wonder how we can help and can be all too quick to simply lay blame. It is your issue. Yo u are being immature, too sensitive, impatient, etc. However, if we can take a few moments to wonder if perhaps we were not emotionally available, maybe we were really harsh in our last reaction, maybe we were too quick to judge or not focused or not listening when our spouse was trying to share with us, then we can understand the biting remark, or the tone in his voice, or his dismissive attitude as a reaction to something we may have intentionally or unintentionally done and can respond with compassion rather than harshness.
In this vein, the Talmudic sages teach us, “First rectify yourself, and then rectify others.” When one realizes that the rectification of others depends upon one’s own self-rectification, one learns to be patient with them. Patience is the antidote to anger.
