RABBI SHIMON GRUEN
This week's essay is dedicated in honor of Yitzy and Haddar Kaplan. May they be Zoche to build a Bayis Ne'eman B'Yisroel!!
Question
Dear Rabbi Gruen,
Firstly, thank you so much for your shiurim on shalom bayis and chinuch. I truly learn a lot and listen to them weekly.
I’ve been married for several years, and my husband and I have good shalom bayis. We have a good relationship and enjoy each other’s company. My husband works full-time. When he gets home from work, he helps me put the kids to bed and then sits down on the couch to chill on his smartphone. He watches the news, interesting videos etc., sitting till late at night when it’s already time to go to sleep and then he goes to bed. Sometimes he falls asleep on the couch just from sitting and doing nothing (I guess because he was so bored). I try to entertain him, schmooze, watch together with him, play games etc. But all too often, the evenings are just so boring.
I would really love for him to go out at night to a shiur, learn with a chavrusa etc. like most men do. However, when I tried explaining to him how important it is to go out, even to socialize with his friends, he said he’s fine sitting at home and I shouldn’t feel bad that he’s bored. In fact, he even told me that I should do whatever I want and ignore the fact that he’s home, meaning that I don’t have to feel obligated to keep him company the whole time.
My question is: How can I get him to go out at night instead of sitting and doing nothing the whole evening, wasting his nights on his phone? He won’t even go back out to daven Minchah-Maariv. He only goes to shul on Shabbos, and this used to really bother me until I learned to accept that I won’t be judged for his wrongdoings and I can’t be his mashgiach. All the same, he knows that it bothers me since I have told him in the past. (Am I supposed to keep telling him?)
If you could help me, I’d be so grateful, since it really bothers me just seeing him sitting and doing nothing, killing his nights... I know I shouldn’t complain because lots of wives have the opposite issue with their husbands going out too much... but I wonder if this is a healthy balance. I don’t think so, since I also want my space at night to schmooze on the phone and I feel bad doing it when my husband is around.
I also feel that we get bored of each other so much quicker because he is home so much, and that it would be much better if he went out a bit and then came back.
Thanks in advance
Answer
I’d like to start by commending you for looking at your relationship with your husband in such a healthy and balanced way. You describe having good shalom bayis with your husband, plus a specific issue that bothers you, and this isn’t the contradiction that many people think it is. In fact, seeing things this way usually makes it easier to resolve the issue under question. Too many people, sadly, take one isolated problem and allow it to overshadow all other aspects of their marriage.
Additionally, you’re clearly grateful for all the positive aspects of your marriage and aren’t taking them for granted. Your husband works full-time and doesn’t make demands of you, and you acknowledge this rather than belittling it in order to “build up a case against him.” Again, sadly, some people will turn every attribute into a bigger problem, in order to sound more credible and have more entitlement to complain.
You also acknowledge that while his being home for hours in the evenings is a challenge for you, other wives whose husbands are hardly home at all face a similar challenge. I would suggest that given a choice between the two, having a husband home too much is easier to deal with than the opposite scenario, where the wife is sitting at home alone and wondering where her husband is, or why her husband doesn’t care enough about her to come home and spend time with her.
You write that you’re not your husband’s mashgiach, and this is true. As much as this issue bothers you (and rightfully so), it’s not your responsibility to solve it. You are not held culpable for your husband’s actions; only he is. You have no obligation to instruct him on what he “should” be doing, even if you truly know better. And even if your efforts to gently guide him toward a better way of doing things seem to fail, that doesn’t mean that you have failed.
This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try to gently encourage him to change direction. You should, even if only to make him aware that this continues to bother you. Remaining completely silent may prevent you and your husband from being aware of each other’s feelings.
That said, you do have to be cautious, very cautious, in how you approach this. There should be no pressure applied and no sense of you telling him what he should be doing. Rather, you are only bringing it up because you care about him and want what’s best for him — and because seeing him spending his evenings this way causes you so much distress.
If you can convey that your words are motivated by love, those words will be far more likely to have a positive impact. Nagging is of course always wrong, and so is conveying the sense that you feel responsible for setting him straight. These only breed resentment and are likely to set up a defensive reaction.
I understand you need your space. However, you should take care to avoid pushing him away in order to get that space in the evenings. It’s his house too; he’s perfectly entitled to sit on the couch whenever he likes. I’m sure you’re aware that him being somewhere else with his smartphone is not much of an improvement on the current situation.
If and when you want to carve out your own space, do so in ways that don’t involve banishing him from the house. If you want to have a quiet phone call with a friend, you can go into your bedroom, or out into the yard, and so forth. After all, your husband has explicitly told you that you don’t need to feel obligated to spend those hours with him.
Of course, if you want to sit with him on the couch and spend time together, that’s fine. But you shouldn’t feel pressured to connect with him solely on his terms, and certainly not if that involves doing things that you wouldn’t do otherwise.
Your husband works long days and wants to relax when he comes home, which is legitimate within reason. Spending hours and hours on his phone is excessive, of course, and it’s painful to watch.
While improper use of technology is a huge problem in our generation, aside from the dangers it brings, it’s probably never been easier to waste time. Too many people are not just killing time — they’re also killing relationships by neglecting human connection.
If there are subtle things you can do to coax him off the couch, such as asking for his help, or to go for a walk with him, by all means try them. You could also be more creative and suggest taking a course together, learning a sefer together... anything that would draw him away from wasting time on trivial nonsense.
While it’s not appropriate for you to pressure him to go and learn, what you could also certainly try is approaching a relative or friend of his, and asking them to suggest to him that they learn b’chavrusa in the evenings. Similarly, while it may not be productive to tell him to go out to Minchah-Maariv, you could, yourself, daven Minchah every evening in the hope that it will stir some chord of inspiration in him.
Your husband can change, and you should not give up on him. It’s a woman who believes in her husband who can influence him the most. But remember that change probably won’t happen overnight. Look out for every small action in the right direction and tell him how much you appreciate it and how happy it makes you.
And, tell him how much you want him to be happy and fulfilled, and that you’re davening for him. This is perhaps one of the meanings behind the saying of Chazal: “The person who davens for something for his friend and who needs it himself, has his own prayers answered first.” What does the person need? In your case, as your husband’s loving spouse, what you need is to see your husband genuinely fulfilled and productively using his time, and if you daven for this need of yours, Hashem will surely hear your tefillos and answer them.
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