The parashah begins (9:1) ִינִיְׁמַּשה בַּיּוֹם ִיוַיְה, "It was on the eighth day..." Rashi writes, "It was the first of the month of Nisan, the day on which the Mishkan was erected. This day took ten 'crowns' [of distinction, which are enumerated in Seder Olam 7]." It was a very happy day, so we wonder why the pasuk begins with the words ִיוַיְה בַּיּוֹם? The Gemara (Megillah 10b) states that whenever it states בימי ויהי, it represents a sad event. What sadness is being alluded to here?
The Or HaChaim HaKadosh answers, "Perhaps the pasuk alludes to Moshe's distress. Moshe saw the greatness Aharon received, and the greatness that was given to Aharon's children, and he knew that Aharon's children would receive this honor forever, for generations." Moshe was upset that he lost this opportunity. This is alluded to in the words בַּיּוֹם ִיוַיְה. The Or HaChaim writes, "When the time came [that Aharon and his children received this honor], Moshe was disappointed that he lost the honor and splendor of being a kohen. Although Moshe was extremely righteous and humble, nevertheless, מרגיש חי לב כל הלא behold, the heart of every living being will feel its distress. Especially when it is about losing a precious and wonderful mitzvah, like this one."
We don't have any understanding of the greatness of Moshe Rabbeinu. Nevertheless, these words of the Or HaChaim teach us an important lesson. It is ok to feel pain, to feel distressed. As the Or HaChaim writes, כל הלא מרגיש חי לב, "behold, the heart of every living being will feel its distress." The feeling of remorse and disappointment is a human reaction, which doesn't necessarily mean one lacks emunah in Hashem. We believe that everything is for the good, nevertheless, it is ok to feel the pain, and to feel the distress. The Torah wasn't given to malachim. Aharon was unique. The Torah praises him by saying אהרן וידום, that he remained silent, and he didn't allow the distress to reach his heart. But even if one does feel the pain, this doesn't disqualify him. It is natural to feel pain and remorse.
There is a prohibition to rip one's skin or to pull out one's hair due to distress when a relative dies (see Devarim 14:1-2). The Ramban points out that, "The Torah doesn't forbid crying [over a dead relative] because it is natural for one to cry when others depart, even when they are all still alive." Feeling remorse is natural and allowed.
So, how should a person react when confronted with tzaros, r'l? What should be the focus and thought process? The first thing he must know is that although feeling sadness and distress is permitted, one is not obligated to feel that way even after suffering a loss. The Gemara (Succah 25a) calls the distress one has during the mourning period, דרשות טרדא, a permitted thought. Rashi explains: "Although he is obligated to keep the laws of aveilus, such as not wearing shoes and not bathing, to show honor for his deceased relative, he is not obligated to feel tzaar."
Even if one does feel distressed and pained, he shouldn't focus on his tzaros. He shouldn’t think about them all day long. He should try to turn his thoughts to other matters as much as possible.
Furthermore, he should remember that everything that occurs is bashert from Hashem, our compassionate father, who solely does good for Klal Yisrael. Although now he doesn't understand how this can be for the good, the time will come when he will recognize that עביד לטב רחמנא דעביד כל, everything Hashem does is for the good.
The essence of אבלים ניחום, the mitzvah to console mourners, is essentially to help the mourner reframe his thoughts and to view his distress in a new way that will give him comfort. Rashi (Bereishis 6:6) states, ניחום לשון כל הם אחרת מחשבת לשון כולם ...שבמקרא , "Whenever the Torah writes the word ניחום... the intention is to think another thought."
Changing the mindset can help alleviate feelings of heaviness and distress. The Rashbam (10:3) translates ָםָעה ָלכ ְּנֵיפ ַלוְעֵדֶכָּבא , that Hashem is honored when people have a tzarah, and they forget about their tzarah and instead focus on avodas Hashem.
Stories and Insights
I heard from Reb Yaakov Meir Shechter Shlita that the yetzer hara causes people to have temptations that are fitting for very lowly people. When this occurs, the person asks himself, "How did I fall so far? How can I have such thoughts and temptations? I must not be on the level I thought I was on. It must be that I am on a low level." When this occurs, the person is at risk of falling to that low level he judges suited for himself. However, a person should tell himself, "Where does it say in the Torah that it is forbidden for a person to have a yetzer hara, which draws him to aveiros? The prohibition is to listen to the yetzer hara! Having a yetzer hara isn't an aveirah. On the contrary, with the yetzer hara (which he overcomes), he can reach the highest levels.
We can say the same regarding the thoughts of distress and sadness people have when tragedies happen to them, r'l. These thoughts of tzaar aren't an aveirah, it is natural for a person to have such thoughts. His job is to overcome these feelings and not allow himself to dwell on his sorrow.
The Imrei Emes zt'l lost his son, Reb Yitzchak, when he was young. The petirah was close to Shabbos, parashas Vayeira. It was a very sad moment for the rebbe and the chassidim, but when Shabbos arrived, and throughout Shabbos, one couldn't detect any sign of distress on the Imrei Emes's face or actions. He appeared the same as he did every Shabbos. Friday night, his divrei Torah was on the pasuk בנך את נא קח יצחק את אהבת אשר (which discusses bringing his son, Yitzchak, as a korban to Hashem). When Shabbos was over, he sat down on the ground to sit shivah and was very broken. He couldn't get to himself. Many tried to console him, including many great rabbanim and tzaddikim from Poland, but their words didn't succeed in comforting his broken heart. But then a simple person came, a Yid from Hungary. He said, "Chazal (Megillah 31b) say, בנין זקנים סתירת, when elders [tzaddikim, gaonim] break something, it will result in building. Something positive will result from it. This Yid said to the Imrei Emes: If this is said about זקנים, elderly tzaddikim, it is undoubtedly so when Hakadosh Baruch Hu causes a סתירה, when He breaks something. He is the רחמים מלא זקן, the elder with much compassion. His breaking is certainly for the sake of building. A grand, wonderful edifice will come from what Hashem breaks." The Imrei Emes noted, "This Yid comforted me."
