QUESTION: Please weigh in on the following dilemma:
“Devorah” received an expensive but utterly hideous sweater from her mother-in-law for her birthday. When she opened it in front of her mother-in-law, she managed a convincing display of enthusiasm: "Oh wow, it is so unique! I have never seen anything like it!"
The next day, Devorah went to the store to exchange it. As Devorah approached the returns counter with the sweater and gift receipt, she spotted her mother-in-law shopping in the same store. Her mother-in-law had not seen her yet, but she happened to be heading toward the returns area as well.
Should Devorah, A) dive behind a clothing rack to hide (looking ridiculous but ensuring that her mother-in-law does not find out that she is returning the sweater and thus maintaining the lie that she likes the sweater), B) proceed with the return of the sweater and risk getting caught (the most honest approach at this point, but potentially hurtful to her mother-in-law’s feelings), or C) let herself be seen by her mother-in-law and pretend that she is buying something to match the sweater (furthering and reinforcing the deception)?
ANSWER:
The Gemara (Yevamos 65b) says that one may deviate from the truth (in certain circumstances) to maintain peace (e.g. to avoid hurting someone’s feelings). This principle is codified by the Rambam in Hilchos Gezeilah v'Aveidah 14:13. In light of this principle, let us analyze Devorah’s options.
Option A: Hiding behind a clothing rack
This maintains the original deviation from the truth (pretending to like the sweater) and adds a childish and undignified element of hiding behind a coat rack to avoid detection. The Chofetz Chaim (in Sefas Tamim) cautions that even when permitted to deviate from truth, one should minimize the extent of deviation. Furthermore, the Sefer Chassidim (§426) writes that one should avoid placing oneself in situations where lying becomes necessary. By hiding and not coming clean, Devorah maintains the lie rather than undoing it and risks another lie should she get caught.
Option B: Proceeding with the return
This is the most straight forward and honest approach, but risks causing unnecessary pain to her mother-in-law if/when Devorah gets caught, potentially hurting her feelings and damaging their relationship. The Gemara (Kesuvos 16b-17a) says that the praising of a bride as beautiful even when she may not be, is permitted (according to Bais Hillel who we generally abide by) because it is not considered falsehood due to the subjective nature of beauty and the importance of maintaining peace.
Option C: Pretending to buy something to match the sweater
This option involves furthering and reinforcing the deception and goes beyond the initial lie. The Sefer Yereim (§235) and other Halachic authorities note that the permission to deviate from the truth for peace has its limits - it should be minimized and not become habitual.
Halachic Conclusion
The permission to lie to avoid hurting someone’s feelings applies primarily to past events (like in our case, pretending to like a gift that was already purchased for Devorah) but not to creating additional, ongoing deceptions (e.g. like pretending to shop for a match to the sweater). In this author’s view, none of the above options are preferable. Rather, Devorah should postpone the return for another day when her mother-in-law is not at the store. This is preferable to the risk of being caught and then having to lie again, or being honest about the sweater and risk hurting her feelings as the Chafetz Chaim writes in Shmiras HaLashon that consideration for another’s feelings is a fundamental Torah value.
