Selling All One Has in Order to Marry The Daughter of a Talmid Chocham (Halachah and Aggadah)
The Gemara in Pesochim (49a) teaches: ימכור אדם כל מה שיש לו וישא בת תלמיד חכם - “One should sell all he has in order to marry the daughter of a talmid chocham”. However, the Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chaim 556) rules: דאסור לבזבז על מצוה יותר מחומש – “It is forbidden to spend more than a fifth of one’s money on a mitzvah”. If so, why is one allowed to sell everything he has to be able to marry the daughter of a talmud chocham?
Below are a number of answers:
- If instead of marrying the daughter of a talmud chocham, one ends up marrying the daughter of one who is unscrupulous in his mitzvah performance, his wife may end up causing him to transgress, and even cause him to transgress on lo saseh’s [negative commandments]. When it comes to lo saseh’s, the Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Deah 156) rules: שצריך לבזבז על זה כל ממונו – “That one must give up all his money”. Therefore, one is allowed to spend more than a fifth of his money to ensure the above doesn’t happen. (Shu”t Tzvi Tiferes, siman 80)
- By mitzvos temidiyos [constant mitzvos] one is obligated to spend all his money, even when it is an aseh [positive commandment]. The Rambam (Hilchos De’as 6:2) writes: Marrying the daughter of a talmud chocham is included in the mitzvah of: ובו תדבק – “You shall cleave to Him”. Therefore, marrying the daughter of a talmud chocham is a mitzvos temidiyos, therefore, one is allowed to spend all his money, even though it is only a mitzvas aseh. (Shu”t Hisorarus Teshuvah, Even HaEzer siman 3)
- Perhaps the Gemara doesn’t mean that one is actually obligated to do so, rather, the Gemara is just stressing how much doing such a thing is worth. (Madanay Asher)
- The Gemara in Pesochim (49b) writes: לא ישא בת עמי הארץ ועל בנותיהן הוא אומר ארור שוכב עם כל בהמה – “One shouldn’t marry the daughter of one who is an am ha’aretz [unscrupulous], about their daughter it says, ‘cursed is one who sleeps with animals’”. Rashi explains: שדומות לבהמה שאין להם לב להבין כי הוא חייך ואורך ימיך – “They are like animals, as they have no heart to understand that Torah and mitzvos is our life and length of our days”.
The Taz (Even HaEzer 2:6) explains: The nature of women is that they disrupt their husbands from learning Torah, as they think that by going to work one is able to have all the pleasures of this world, and the next.
However, if one just sits and learns, one only has a life in the next world. The truth is, however, it’s not like this, and Torah and mitzvos grants one life in this world and in the next.
The poskim say that when it comes to the mitzvah of talmud Torah, one needs to spend all his money (see Shita Mekubetzes Kesubos 50a; Chofetz Chaim, Likutei Halachos on Yoma 35b and Ahavas Chesed 2:20:4). Since, marrying the daughter of a talmud chocham will help ensure that one is able to continue learning, whereas marrying the daughter of an am ha’aretz will do the opposite, one is allowed to spend more than a fifth of his money, to ensure that he is able to do so. (Madanay Asher).
Some Related Aggadah
The Medrash (Vayikra Rabbah 2:1) on the pasuk in Koheles (7:28): אדם אחד מאלף מצאתי – “One in a thousand I found”, comments: אלף נכנסים לבית המדרש ואחד יוצא מהן להוראה – “A thousand people enter the beis hamedrash, and only one comes out fit to rule on halachic questions”.
The Shu”t Kesav Sofer (Orach Chaim, siman 20) asks: והדבר מתמיה על מה ולמה יצא רק אחד מני אלף להוראה והרי אמרו חז"ל (מגילה ו' ע''ב) יגעתי ולא מצאתי אל תאמין – “The above is difficult to understand, what and why should there be such a thing. Chazal (Megillah 6b) teach, ‘one who says he toiled and didn’t succeed, we don’t believe him’”?
The Kesav Sofer answers: בגלל הנשים שמזקיקין בעליהן לפקח על מאכלות הבית וצווחות עליהם הב הב ואינם רוצים להסתפק במעט אשר יכולות הן לשאת במעשי ידיהן ולכן כמעט אין בעליהם יכולים להשלים נפשם כראוי עד שיהיו ראויים להוראה – “It is because of the women who demand of their husbands to take care of the needs of the house, and ask for more and more, and they don’t want to be happy with a little. Due to such demands, it’s virtually impossible for the husbands to sit and learn with peace of mind, therefore, they are not able to come out of the beis hamedrash fit to rule on halachic questions”.
The Kesav Sofer explains that this is peshat in the pasuk in Koheles: אדם אחד מני אלף מצאתי מפני שאשה בכל אלה לא מצאתי – “A thousand people enter into the beis hamedrash, however, only one comes out fit to pasken, why? Because only one in a thousand merits to find a wife which doesn’t disturb his learning”.
The Gemara in Sanhedrin (37a) darshens the pasuk in Shir HaShirim (6:7), כפלח הרמון רקתך, that: אפילו ריקנים שבך מלאים מצוות כרמון – “Even the emptiest of Jew’s are full with mitzvos like a pomegranate”. The meforshim all ask: How is it possible to say about someone who is full of mitzvos like a pomegranate, that he is empty?
The Ben Ish Chai answers: דריקנים שבך הכוונה על נשות ישראל שהם ריקנים ממצות לימוד התורה ואפילו הכי הם מלאים במצוות התורה כיון שהם מסייעות לבעליהן ללמוד תורה – “’Empty ones’ refers to the women of Klal Yisroel, who although they are empty from the mitzvah of talmud Torah, they are still full with the mitzvah of Torah, as they help their husbands and support there learning”. (Ben Yehoyodah, Megillah 6a)
The Mishnah Sochir (Ki Seitzei 24:5) asks on the pasuk: כי יקח איש אשה חדשה וגו' ושמח את אשתו אשר לקח - “When a man takes a new wife etc. he should make happy the wife he took”, that the words, אשר לקח - “which he took”, seem extra, as the Torah already mentioned, כי יקח איש אשה – “When a man takes a wife”?
He answers b’shem rav echod [in the name of a certain rov], that even before one gets married, he already has a wife – the Torah HaKedosha which one accepted at Har Sinai. Like we find in Kiddushin (30b) and Yevamos (63b) where the Gemara darshens the pasuk: וראה חיים עם האשה אשר אהב – “See life, with the woman which you love”, to refer to Torah. Similarly, the Gemara in Ta’anis (26b) says: ביום חתונתו זה מתן תורה - “The day of your wedding, refers to Matan Torah”.
However, sometimes it happens that when one gets married to a second wife (i.e. a woman not the Torah), he forgets about the first wife – the Torah HaKedosha which he received many years ago. Therefore, the Torah warns: כי יקח אשה חדשה – “When one takes a new wife”, even still: ושימח את אשתו אשר לקח - Make sure to keep the first wife happy as well, i.e. the Torah.
