Is There a Problem for a Chosson to Give Mishloach Manos to His Kallah

Question

Is it permissible for a chosson to send mishlo’ach manos to his kallah?

There are three potential issues involved in doing so:

1. The concern of the Gemara in Kiddushin (50b) of חוששין לסבלונות, that we are concerned that perhaps the gifts are being given for the sake of kiddushin. This is ruled in Shulchan Aruch and Rema (Even HaEzer 45:2), however, perhaps we can rely on the Gemara which says: דבאתרא דמסבלי והדר מקדשי אין לחוש לסבלונות – “in a place where they first send gifts and then perform kiddushin, there is no concern”, and perhaps nowadays our towns have such a status.
2. The Rema brings down a special din (דין מיוחד) in Hilchos Mishlo’ach Manos (Orach Chaim 695:4) that a woman can send mishlo’ach manos to a woman, and a man can send to a man, however, men shouldn’t sent to women, or vice versa, as this could lead to a man sending to a widow and it could lead to a sofek kiddushin [a case of a doubt if there is kiddushin or not]. The Mishnah Berurah (s.k. 26) explains: That if one sends mishlo’ach manos to a widow, people will start saying that they already performed kiddushin earlier and these are the gifts being given after kiddushin. R’ Elyashiv (Yevakshu MiPihu pg. 72) maintains that a man may send mishlo’ach manos to a woman if he uses his wife as an agent, however, some say we look at the sender not the agent, therefore it may still be a problem even when using an agent.
3. חשש שאלת שלום לאשה – the prohibition of sending a greeting to a woman. The Teshuvas Maharil (siman 31) brought down l’halachah in the Mishnah Berurah (696:20) says, that sending someone a gift is equivalent to sending them a greeting, and the halachah is that a man shouldn’t do this to a woman. (Kuntros Ve’arastich Li L’Oilam pg. 43).

Answer

Below we will attempt to resolve the issues mentioned above:

1. Regarding the first issue of חוששין לסבלונות, we find in Minhogei Vermisa (beginning of Vol. 2) that one should send the mishlo’ach manos via an agent and then there is no concern. The Maharam Mintz (siman 109) says that the Rav of the city or someone choshuv [prominent] should give it and he should say clearly, “it is not being given for the sake of kiddushin”. The reason it needs to be via an agent, is because the Darkei Moshe (ois 1) and Shu”t Maharit (Vol. 2 siman 29) argue on the Rema (Even HaEzer 45:2) and they maintain that even if one says explicitly that it is a gift and not for kiddushin it doesn’t help, therefore, the only solution is to send it via an agent.
2. On the other hand, from the Shulchan Aruch and Rema (Even HaEzer 45:1-2) it’s clear that if one says clearly that it is being given as a gift there is no concern, and that generally we follow the minhag of the place. The Beis Shmuel (there, s.k. 20) and Pischei Teshuvah (s.k. 3) in the name of the Shu”t Kehillos Yaakov bring that the minhag today is that we aren’t concern for sivloinus serving as kiddushin. The Maharik (shoresh 171) cited in the Beis Shmuel (Even HaEzer 45:21) and Darkei Moshe says that when the minhag is to perform kiddushin and recite the birchas erusin under the chuppah, then we aren’t worried about sivloinus serving as kiddushin. The Aruch HaShulchan (siman 45) writes based on this, that even if the chosson says that he is sending the gifts for kiddushin he isn’t believed. See the Pischei Teshuvah (there) who offers many reasons for why today there is no concern of sivloinus. R' Yehuda Chezner shlita (Sha’arei Yemei HaPurim, end of sefer siman 9) writes: Nowadays, where it is not customary to perform kiddushin with sivloinus, one may send to his kallah mishlo’ach manos and there is nothing to worry about.
3. In regard to the special din of the Rema – First Opinion: The sefer Ta’amei HaMinhagim (938, Kuntros Acharon): קרא תגר על מה שנתחדש שהחתן נותן בעצמו המתנות לכלה שאין זה מן הראוי כמבואר ברמ''א – “Bemoans the new custom of the chosson himself giving gifts to the kallah as doing so is unfitting as is clear from the Rema.” The Kitzur Hilchos Purim, and R’ Avigdor Nebenzahl shlita both maintain that the issur of the Rema is still in place, and even if the metzius [reality] has changed, the din remains the same. Consequently, the mother of the chosson may give it to the kallah, however, the chosson himself shouldn’t give mishlo’ach manos directly to the kallah. Second Opinion: On the other hand, I heard in the name of R’ Ezriel Auerbach shlita, and in the name of R’ Tzvi Cheshin in the name of R’ Shlomah Fisher shlita, that it is permissible for the chosson to give mishlo’ach manos directly to his kallah, as the Rema was talking about a time when giving mishlo’ach manos and gifts to the kallah was irregular, however, nowadays it is common to do so, therefore, there is no concern of the sivloinus serving as kiddushin. However, R’ Ezriel Auerbach adds: The chosson shouldn’t pass it directly from his hands to her’s. R' Yehudah Chezner adds (Sha’arei Yemei Purim, end of sefer siman 9) that it is allowed as the Rema never mentions ארוסתו – a woman one plans to marry, and all he says is a widow, where there is no connection between the two of them. Additionally, when it comes to mishlo’ach manos everyone knows it is not being sent to serve as kiddushin, and even if the chosson adds jewelry people still know he doesn’t mean kiddushin, and he is just doing what is customary for a chosson to do for his kallah. (Based on this argument, it would be forbidden to send a ring, as that is a normal way of carrying out kiddushin.) R' Yechezkel Aharon Schwartz (Ho’erusin Ve’hanisuin pg. 112, he’orah 86) writes it is permissible [although it is better for the chosson to send it with his mother]. He compares it to the Shulchan Aruch (there) which says that one may send matonas l’evyonim to a poor woman. The Mishnah Berurah (s.k. 27) explains that by money there is no worry of sivloinus, additionally, it is being given דרך צדקה ולא דרך סבלונות – as a means of tzedokah and not as sivloinus. R’ Schwartz writes that just like we can say it is being given דרך צדקה ולא דרך סבלונות , similarly, we can say דרך של חתן וכלה ליתן זה לזה ולא בתורת קידושין – it is being sent as a means of what a chosson and kallah do for each other, and not as kiddushin.
4. In regard to the issue of חשש שאלת שלום לאשה – the prohibition of sending a greeting to a woman, I heard in the name of R’ Avigdor Nebenzahl shlita, and R’ Ezriel Auerbach shlita that it is not a problem. R’ Nissim Karelitz zt”l (Chut Shoni pg. 56) also writes that it is permissible. They all base themselves on the Gemara in Kiddushin which says that in some places the minhag was that they would be מסבלי והדר מקדשי – first send gifts, and then perform kiddushin. The question is, why aren’t we concerned for the prohibition of שאלת שלום לאשה? It must be that if one has been on shidduchim with a girl and he then greets her with the intention of getting married to her, it is allowed. To explain this, I heard in the name of R’ Tzvi Cheshin, that the prohibition of greeting a woman is because we don’t want them to become too friendly, and Chazal went out their way to maintain a distance between a man and a woman. When giving a woman a present with no reason it creates an undesirable relationship between them. However, if there is a reason for giving the gift, i.e. so that they start to get on with each other so that when they are married things are easier, then there is no problem of sending a greeting.