Before 20 – In recent times, many communities in Yerushalayim and amongst the chassidim, and a number of Sephardim as well, had the minhag to get married before turning 20. It is well known that R’ Yosef Chaim Sonnenfeld zt”l in a tzava’oh [will] wrote to his children (and is printed on his matzavah) that they should marry off their sons before they turn 20.
The Chazon Ish (Even HaEzer 148, he’oras on Kiddushin 29b, and see also Kovetz Igros Chazon Ish, siman 135) also writes that there is no heter [allowance] to wait past the age of 20. Although in Bavel they would learn Torah before getting married, it is clear in the Gemara that if one can’t manage without a wife, he should first marry and then learn, and once someone reaches the age of 20, he is considered someone who can’t manage without a wife as if he doesn’t get married ‘he is going to have constant bad thoughts’. He concludes: It needs looking into, why the poskim don’t mention this.
In a letter the Chazon Ish adds: ויש מאחרין מפני עסק התורה אבל אין דרך זו רק ליחידים – some delay because they are busy learning Torah, however, this is only suitable for select individuals. The Shu”t Pe’as Sodcha (1, 149, 10) brings from the Chazon Ish, that nowadays there is no one who can say his yetzer horah isn’t winning over him.
In Ma’aseh Ish (Vol. 2, pg. 206) they bring that someone tried to tell the Chazon Ish that when Chazal said that one should get married at 18, that was in those days, however, today a bochur isn’t ready to get married until later. The Chazon Ish protested: “Are you going to say the same thing about the rest of the Mishnah, and that the age of 13 for mitzvos was also only in their times, however, today we should start keeping mitzvos later? The times Chazal fixed are accurate and are not subject to change.
The Klausenberger Rebbe (Shu”t Divrei Yatziv, Even HaEzer 3) also writes that from age 20 and on, it is considered “not possible to remain without a wife”, and the heter to delay is only from 17 until age 20.
The sefer Mitzhalois Chasanim brings that the Steipler held that one should get married before turning 20, and ideally as close to 18 as possible. One time, a 17-year-old bochur came to the Steipler with a sefer he had made, and the Steipler said “now you need to get married”, if you are already able to learn so well, then you should get married and continue learning after the chasunah. R’ Chaim Kanievsky zt”l followed in his father’s footsteps, and some of his grandchildren got married at age 17, as is clear from the Rambam and Shulchan Aruch that one should get married at the beginning of his 18th year, which is when one turns 17.
There is a wonderful sefer called Higiah Zeman (הגיע זמן) written by R’ Avud Eliyahu, he discusses at great length the various ages at which one should get married in today’s generation.
After 20 - The widespread minhag in the oilam hayeshivos today is that if a bochur is sitting and learning, there is no need for him to get married before turning 20. This helps ensure that he can learn and know the basic Masechtos and go to yeshivah gedolah and at least learn the basic cycle of yeshivisha masechtos once, and acquire a basic knowledge of the yesodos [foundations] and grow to be a gadol b’Torah. We find that there were Gedolei Yisrael, who told bochurim who were heavily involved in their learning that they could wait a bit longer, provided that they didn’t have a strong yetzer horah, as is clear from the Shulchan Aruch.
Some gedolei mashgichim say that an avreich who has the yoke of parnosah on his head, isn’t able to learn the same as he was before the chasunah. The Shu”t Maharam Mintz (siman 42) quoted by R’ Akiva Eiger (hago’as on Shulchan Aruch 1, s.k. 3) already discusses if one wants to learn Torah by his rebbe, if he is able to delay getting married, and he ends off tzorich iyun. Based on this, a bochur who is shteiging [learning away] in yeshivah and he won’t be able to keep this up in a kollel after he gets married, would be allowed to delay getting married.
Others argue, that today there are kollelim which pay respectfully, and if one wants to continue learning and shteiging after the chasunah it is possible, and on the contrary, many avreichim testify about themselves that they can learn better after the chasunah than before. According to this argument, there is no heter to delay getting married.
Age 21 - R’ Yitzchok Yerucham Brodinski shlita, the mashgiach of Kol Torah, says that his father in law R’ Shlomah Zalman Auerbach zt”l, would advise that one shouldn’t get married before turning 21.
The mashgiach, R’ Dov Yafeh zt”l would say regarding the age of getting married, that there is a machlokes between the Roshei Yeshivos, and they say in the name of R’ Shach that the age is 22. R’ Dov Yafeh concluded in the name of R’ Shach – Don’t get married before 21, as before that age one isn’t able to lead a family.
The Kuntros Binyan Adei Ad (pg. 15) speaks about this at length in the name of R’ Shlomah Wolbe zt”l, and he writes: שצריך להתבגר כדי לבנות בית – “One has to grow up to be able to build a house.”
Age 22 – Practically, the Chazon Ish held that one should get married before turning 20, and as is known he told R’ Chaim Kanievsky zt”l to do this. However, there were cases where the Chazon Ish was lenient and allowed delaying, each person according to his needs. He told R’ Nissim Karelitz zt”l to get married at the age of 22. R’ Nissim explained, that he thinks the Chazon Ish understood that by R’ Chaim, the learning before and after the chasunah would be the same, so he told him to get married earlier, however, by me he saw that it wouldn’t be like this! R’ Nissim himself would advise getting married at age 22, and to start listening to suggestions from age 21, and not earlier.
R' Yoshar Moshe Dorash shlita relates that when he was bochur learning in the adorned Chevron Yeshiva, he asked the Chazon Ish advice on whether to enter shidduchim? The Chazon Ish then asked him, if he was immersed in Torah study, and he also checked with the mashgiach. When he found out that he was, and that he had the correct levels of yiras Shomayim, the Chazon Ish told him that he could wait until 24/25 before getting married.
Age 23/24 - They say over from the Saba MiKelm zt”l and from the mashgiach of Ponevezh, R’ Yechezkel Levenstein zt”l that one shouldn’t listen to shidduch suggestions before turning 23 (and some say from R’ Yechezkel age 24) as if one is busy and immersed in his learning and his yetzer horah isn’t getting in the way, it is fitting to delay as long as halachah allows.
They say a story, that once R’ Yechezkel Levenstein zt”l reprimanded a bochur for getting married young, and to defend himself the bochur said that he was worried about having bad thoughts. The mashgiach sharply responded, “If you think that after the chasunah you won’t have these thoughts, you’re wrong!”
The Roshei Yeshivos of Ponevezh at that time, R’ Shmuel Razovski zt”l and R’ Shach zt”l agreed to the ruling of R’ Yechezkel Levenstein not to get married before 23-24, provided the bochur is occupied with his learning. After the mashgiach’s passing, R’ Shach then said, “no earlier than 22.”
R’ Yitzchok Zilberstein (Aleinu Leshaba’ech, Orchos HaBayis) brings that R’ Shach would say: שכל זה רק בבחור שהולך לישון עם קושיא של הקצות, ומתעורר עם התירוץ של הנתיבות – “This is all provided a bochur goes to sleep with the question of the Ketzos and wakes up with the answer of the Nesivos.”
Until Age 24/25 – It is important to mention, that the Chofetz Chaim (Sefer HaMitzvos HaKotzer, Mitzvah 43) writes that until age 25, one can delay getting married if he is busy learning, however, after that age, one is obligated to get married even if he will be occupied with making a parnosah.
The yesod [basis] for this is the Maharikash cited in the Pischei Teshuvah (Even HaEzer, siman 1, s.k. 5) who writes that if one wants to get married but delays until he finds a suitable shidduch, or for some other reason, we don’t force him to marry. Nonetheless, one shouldn’t delay things past the age of 24 (and he references the Gemara in Kiddushin 30a).
Hastily (להזדרז) - According to R’ Shmuel HaLevi Wosner zt”l (Shu”t Shevet HaLevi 3:173) it is permissible to delay getting married for the sake of being able to learn, however, it is good to speed things up and get married as soon as possible. He writes that the age of 25 that the Chofetz Chaim brings is the very latest, and it is preferable to speed things up like the Chofetz Chaim himself writes at the end of his sefer Machneh Yisrael, that it is a mitzvah to get married early.
According to Nature (לפי טבעו ) - According to R’ Aharon Leib Shteinman zt”l if a bochur wants to get married at the age of 18, no one in the world is allowed to stop him from getting married at that age, which is meikar hadin [according to strict halachah] what one should be doing. On the other hand, if a bochur wants to continue learning peacefully, he may wait until age 23. He praises the yeshivos that praise bochurim who get married early. He says: If a bochur wants to learn, it is okay and we don’t force him to get married before age 20, however, if a bochur wants to marry young, how can we stop him? He adds, that the younger the couple is, the easier it is for them to get on.
R’ Gershon Eidelstein zt”l also held that we can’t fix an age for when to get married and each bochur should follow his nature. If a bochur is shteiging it is better to wait, if, however, a bochur wants to get married, he should start listening out for suggestions.
