I am a shadchan. One problem that comes up is when one side wants to pursue the shidduch, while the other side doesn’t. Then, the interested parents beg me to tell them exactly why the other side said no. To answer them truthfully, I’d be saying things like, “They heard that some of her brothers are a bit...” or “Her outer appearance is not so...” Am I allowed to tell them why the other side turned down the shidduch?
THE HALACHAH
Telling a person that someone said something negative about him is rechilus. So, if the shadchan repeats the negative comments, she is speaking rechilus. For example, a comment like “She was too stubborn” is very negative. It’s also onaas devarim, because no parent wants to hear that their child has a bad middah.
However, comments like “they’re looking for someone less yeshivish” or for someone “more outgoing” are not objectively negative, and they can help the family understand how others view their child. This helps to ensure that future suggestions are more on target. Therefore, what the shadchan can relate to the other side depends on the type of comment.
Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation
THE DILEMMA
Someone once asked the Gaon of Tchebin zt’l what qualities he should look for in a shidduch. The Gaon replied: “Three things: Good middos. Good middos. Good middos.”
