What Are Sivloinus (סבלונות )?
The Gemara in Kiddushin (50b) discusses if a man sends a woman gifts, if we are concerned that perhaps these gifts were given for the purpose of kiddushin. The Gemara brings that:רב הונא אמר חוששין לסבלונות וכן אמר רבה חוששין לסבלונות – “Rav Huna says: One must be concerned about gifts (and we are concerned there were perhaps given for the purpose of kiddushin). And Rabbah similarly says that one must be concerned about gifts.”
The Gemara then quotes Rav Papa who says:באתרא דמקדשי והדר מסבלי חיישינן מסבלי והדר מקדשי לא חיישינן – “In a place where the custom is that men first perform kiddushin and then send gifts we are concerned (that they were given for kiddushin), but in a place where men first send gifts and then perform kiddushin we are not concerned.”
From Rashi and Tosfos it’s clear that we are only worried about sivloinus if the man and woman have been on a shidduch together, however, before that there is no concern.
The expression of “sivloinus” refers to gifts given by the chosson to the kallah before marriage (nisuin), as is clear from Rashi (Kiddushin 50a and Kesubos 73b, d.h. sivloinus) who explains that sivloinus are: מגדנות ודורונות שדרך חתן לשלוח 'לארוסתו' – “Pleasant food and gifts that are customary for a chosson to send to his ‘betrothed’.”
An Additional Type of Sivloinus
The Mishnah (Bava Basra 146a) mentions: השולח סבלונות לבית חמיו – “One who sends gifts to the household of his father-in-law.” The Rashbam explains: It was the minhag of chassanim that after they performed kiddushin, the next day they would send to their father-in-law’s house in honor of his future wife, jewelry, and various kinds of fruit and jugs full of wine and oil.
The Maharik (Shu”t, Shoresh 169) writes: Only the sivloinus that are mentioned in Maseches Kiddushin that the chosson sends to a girl he went out with are subject to the machlokes of חוששין לסבלונות, the machlokes if we are worried for kiddushin, however, the sivloinus in the Gemara in Bava Basra sent to the fathers-in-law’s house in her honor, like the minhag was in Italy, there is no concern. The reason being that these gifts aren’t sent directly to the woman, therefore, there is no concern of it being given as kiddushin. Even if he adds jewelry to be given to the girl, it is not a concern, as the main gift is being sent to the father-in-law.
The Terumas HaDeshen (siman 207) writes: Only before nissuin are these gifts referred to as “sivloinus” as it is a special expression used for the affection the chosson has towards the kallah after erusin, however, after nissuin these gifts are no longer referred to as “sivloinus”, rather, they are referred to as “matonah” (מתנה).
In our times, the sivloinus that we give have the status of, מסבלי והדר מקדשי – “first send gifts and then perform kiddushin”, as first we go out on shidduchim, and before we perform the act of kiddushin we send gifts.
The Gemara only mentions the chosson sending sivloinus to the kallah, however, the Shulchan HaEzer (siman 50) brings that the kallah should also send gifts to the chosson. The Maleches Shlomah (Mishnayos, Bava Basra, there) brings from the Shu”t HaRashbah, that what the parents give is also referred to as “sivloinus”.
The Source for Sending Sivloinus
The Sivloinus that Eliezer Gave to Rivkah: We find that Eliezer the servant of Avraham gave sivloinus to Rivkah twice. Once on the way (Bereishis 24:22): ויקח האיש נזם זהב בקע משקלו וגו' – “And the man took a golden necklace of great weight, etc.”, and once when she was in her parents’ house (Bereishis 24:53): ויוצא העבד כלי כסף וכלי זהב ובגדים ויתן לרבקה – “And the servant brought out silver and gold jewelry and clothing and gave them to Rivkah.” Rabbeinu Bechayah (there, and in Kad HaKemech, Inyan Chosson B’Beis HaKnesses) speaks out at length that all the presents and the fact that they were given twice, came to allude to the Torah and the mitzvos that her sons would later accept.
It is clear from the Lekach-Tov (cited in Toras Shlomah), that the minhag for a chosson to send gifts to his kallah before the wedding comes from here.
The Chizkuni (24:53) writes: The first set of gifts that Eliezer sent were gifts after shidduchim, and the second set of gifts were to serve as kesef kiddushin [money for the act of kiddushin],
