Question: I run a youth learning program for kids aged 13–16. The kids feel comfortable sharing their problems with me, and I think I have good advice to offer. But, they don’t seem to take it in—it goes “in one ear and out the other.” What am I doing wrong?
Answer: Dr. Joshua Ritchie, M.D., Dean of the Refuah Institute, once shared with me a valuable insight: Even if your advice is perfect, if the person isn’t ready to receive it, they won’t accept it.
When someone shares a personal issue, they’re often not seeking immediate answers. What they need first is to be heard. Listening is a powerful tool. By showing empathy, genuine interest, asking open-ended questions, practicing reflective listening, and creating a safe space, you help them express what’s on their heart and mind. If they pause after a minute or two, they may not be done—they might just need encouragement to continue.
The act of listening has a transformative effect in all relationships—whether in marriage, parenting, friends or mentorship. When people feel heard, they often come to insights on their own—or become more open to receiving advice. Premature advice can make someone feel unheard. But when someone feels truly listened to, even the simplest suggestion can land with clarity and impact.
A Chassidic teaching from the Rebbe Rashab, based on the verse, “If there is worry in a man’s heart, let him cast it down” (Proverbs 12:25), explains that the Hebrew word הנחשי “let him cast it down”, can also be read as הנהחשי, “let him speak of it.” Talking through a problem can initially intensify pain, but ultimately brings clarity and relief. Speaking itself leads to deeper understanding, solutions and personal growth.
The fact your students trust you enough to open up is already a great accomplishment. Keep cultivating that trust through active, empathetic listening.
The more they feel safe and comfortable with you, the more they’ll come back—and the more receptive they’ll become to your advice. In time, they may even seek out your wisdom—because they know you truly care.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling: www.aharonschmidt.com.
*To receive periodic ideas on navigating marriage and personal growth, reach out to [email protected]
